#you want to play as a saucy human dude

[daincrediblegg]

Two questions: top 5 things that the Inexperienced Jared Observer should watch him in

Which Terror ep would you rate as Thee best and why?

OOOH HO HO AND I SHALL ANSWER WITH GUSTO Ok. Barring the obvious three choices (i.e. Foundation, The Terror, and Chernobyl, which are really the biggest powerhouses of Jared's acting abilities to date, and then the tier two shows: Carnival Row, Mad Men (it is a very good show overall but if you're there just for jared it takes a while to get to him and it takes a LONG time to get over him), and The Crown), these are my recommendations:

Certain Women His part in this movie is very short, but honestly. it really shows how much this man can do with such a little character, really proving the "no small parts only small actors" adage that folks like to throw around. I still think about him a lot. really showed such a range with so little and it baffles me to this day. Also it's an anthologized narrative and his part and also Lily Gladstone's role in it (her first film role ever btw) as being a horse lesbian with Kristen Stewart really makes it worth the watch a lot more than some of the other bit part things I've seen him in.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows I genuinely think he's my favorite Moriarty of all time. Full stop. he's just such a wicked delight, and it will forever make me curse Guy Ritchie for only giving him bit parts in some of his other films. absolutely criminal.

The Devil's Violinist @prismatica-the-strange and I absolutely did not go into this film expecting it to be as good as it is. we thought it was gonna be a flop. that Jared Harris was gonna play the devil and we'd have a laugh and that would be that. Incorrect. Turns out the guy playing Paganini is actually a bonafide child prodigy violinist and he blows a LOT of the musician biopic performances out of the water because he REALLY DO BE PLAYING THAT VIOLIN LIKE THAT. Oh and also Jared plays his manager who is literally the devil and he has a pincer beard. and he's a sarcastic little shit and he's just a delight.

Two of Us This was genuinely the first film that made Jared a lifelong stand-out name to me at age fourteen. iykyk. He also fulfilled every McLennon shipper's dreams with this movie by kissing Aidan Quinn full on the lips. So if you want an explanation of why he queer codes a lot of his roles, this is it.

It's really hard to choose between The Beast Must Die, The Quiet Ones, and the 2015 Poltergeist remake, so I suppose I'm gonna go with The Beast Must Die because he's a saucy little asshole and he absolutely looks the prettiest in that. But that's the bitch of it with : this man has made a career of making himself a highlight no matter what kind of bit part you throw at him, so like honestly anything in his filmography is worth watching. But yeah he's so pretty in the beast must die. That's all I got. As for the second question... man why can't I choose all of em? why??? 😭😭😭 I can't pit all these bad bitch episodes against each other at any given moment in time man. I love this show too much. I simply cannot choose. it's all so good. I would like to say it's ep 5 for the way jared acts drunkenly (best drunken performance I've ever seen in my entire life), but then I think about him on the gunwale with blanky talking about the reindeer and laughing and how much Jared literally changed from the script to make that moment so goddamn endearing and human. but then I also remember the moment blanky leaves him like??? DUDE. I can't. I cannot choose. my favorite episode is the whole show.

[tacetnix]

[GetToKnowMe(me)]::Start()

Tagger: @hexenjagd // Oh you~ Name: TK! Pronouns: He/They Most Active Muses? -- Mary, both here and in FFXIV -- "URIEL", an OC that I can best describe as 'What if John Carpenter's The Thing was a psychic emotional vampire and was trying to figure out human coexistence on a whim. -- Tsengel Malaguld, my FFXIV main who is a big loving himbo as a facade for a calculating lizardman terminator.

RP PET PEEVES: Oh you aren't ready for this list. Where to begin?

God-Modding is the old adage. When someone can't let anyone give them consequences for their actions. Whether it's saying heinous stuff, assaulting other RPers and then refusing to acknowledge attempts to settle the score, etc. etc. People who refuse to take what they dish out. Most recently this was someone who "avoided all the guards trying to tie her down because she assaulted a man in public because she's really flexible". If it comes down to two people not knowing how to solve a scuffle, please roll. That's wat luck and the dice are for.

People who refuse to engage in what's going on group-wise and then complain that there's nothing to do. This is very particularly targeted to some people outside of the RPC here but I wanted to throttle you. 'I'm not engaged in [Group Activity]', well I apologize but 20 other people were. You are not giving me critique or constructive criticism by saying 'I'm bored.'

Oh, my god, people who just enter a chat to say 'I'm bored.' as though they're expecting people to spoon-feed them with interaction.

Loops back to the god-modding point but "I'm too powerful for you, so I'm gonna no-sell anything you do to express the difference in our power levels." like, dude, get hit, at least give the person you're fighting the pleasure of seeing their blow push you in the dirt a bit. Have a reaction rather than "haha no *punches back with anime*". >// Multiversal RP is fun until the Anime character wants to fight.

"I am strictly into [x] so if you're anything other than something I wanna fuck then I'm going to be extremely hostile to you and casually and vocally espouse how much everything other than [x] is awful and will cite it often as a reason why I refuse to engage in any RP in this public area.' >// Unfortunately, this has happened multiple times, much to the detriment of peoples' safety and comfort in public spaces I've been in. Moderators have refused to step in, and the behavior has been allowed. ://///

"My Character is Vocally Racist." You suck. You chose to pretend like that's a character trait. You're choosing to make every minority who's experienced that shit IRL to see it again in the middle of their feel-good hobby. 'It's realistic' and you're the one choosing to bring that realism into a space for people to enjoy. Costs you zero cents not to make your characters straight up bigots.

That's all I got for now, but I could keep going, I'm sure. Sorry to just splurge all over main; I've had some baaaaad RP drama go down in the last few months in other mediums/RPCs.

LEVEL OF RP EXPERIENCE: Hah. Haha. Been RPing for 16 years about now. Started back in SPORE while coming up with little stories for my creations, and RPing out diplomatic relations with other people, to going to the JoeyRay's Bar forums for StarCraft 2 where I actually picked up proper narrative RP. Then I went to DeviantArt, RP'd in the chatrooms and learned sauciness (way too young, but oh well), and then was brought over to Tumblr by my ex who showed me @axemurderercreighton back in the day. And I've stuck here, through UNDERTALE, through Skype, through Discord, through playing FFXIV. Always back to here as a casual place to RP.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT? Angst is the most reliable, but I know I write good smut and it lets me play out fantasies. Fluff is fun, but in moderation. Too much of it and you grow stagnant. Angst brings with it conflict, and conflict drives stories onwards. Smut is the victory lap, and if that also helps serve conflict, then fuck yeah, two-for-one!

PLOTS OR MEMES? Give me a skeleton of a plot an we'll fill in everything in between. I prefer spontaneity to a firm constellation of everything that will happen for years down the line. Improv is the spice of life. Memes facilitate the funniest stuff that's happened in RP, but you wouldn't get there without plotting and having relationships with others. So... cop-out answer, but both.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES? I err on the long side. But at the barest minimum... - Respond to what your partner has given you to work with (usually matches their length pretty well). - Offer insight into my characrer's thoughts or feelings or give them a general action to help immerse in the setting/scene. - Give my partners something to reply/respond to.

However long that all takes is how long my replies will tend to be.

TIME TO WRITE? Whenever I can. When I'm at work I'll steal Discord replies, when I'm waiting for bad lights I'll type and respond. When I'm in the bathroom -- you get the idea. Discord is my preferred method because I can respond without having to have icons or formatting or what have you. It's easier to just throw random ideas like darts on a board, and I get more clear notifications when someone's responded to me.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE? For better or for worse, I put a lot of my anxious thoughts and my paranoia into Mary. I put a lot of how she overthinks based on my own ideations, and in a way... all of that is merged with a lot of how my wife acts. Almost any time I write Mary and you feel the love that I put into her actions, it's because I'm basing that on things I've seen and experienced intimately. She always had this role in my mind of 'cold woman who is accidentally adorable' but -- it took seeing someone who I found absolutely adorable to find the life-inspiration and information to properly convey that and bring it to life in a way that was natural and earnest.

.........God that was so much I'm so sorry for splurging. Tagging: @yellowfingcr @urbanumviolentium @bidotheuncanny @theblackwarden @tinyredrose (to surprise some of you whenever you get back, ehehe)

Thanks again to Cat for @ing me. It's been fun!

[astoldbysteph]

assholes are OUT, men with huge hearts and a bladder filled with respect women juice are IN!

in this guide, i will not teach you how to play a himbo. if anything this is an essay all about be rambling about how i play one kind of male character that’s pretty chill and should be more common and the silly/fun things i do with my himbo characters. so, to help me with this i will be using my oc forrest as an example. 

this guide may contain slight mentions of saucy themes

so, what is a himbo? according to google, a himbo is a ‘pretty yet unintelligent man’. personally, i like to narrow my eyes and pretend it actually says ‘a pretty yet unintelligent with a huge heart’ i don’t want himbos to just be stupid men with a twelve pack. nah, himbos can be any kind of male presenting person that is nice to look it and is just a really cool fucking dude. 

muscles and a six pack are NOT a requirement to be a himbo                     - steph, ceo of bimbos

honestly, i don’t think there is a a “correct way to play a himbo? as long as your character is genuinely a good person with a peanut brain, you’re good to go since you got the main two things mentioned in all the definitions of himbo.

now, how do you portray them? well, it all depends! himbos don’t have a set personality. there can be extroverted himbos, nerdy himbos, gymrat himbos, and so on! 

to me, it’s more than himbos have specific personality traits such as:

scatter brained

distracted

kind

fun-loving

confident

charming, but doesn’t realize it

clueless

forgetful

gentle

absentminded

easily distracted

disorganized

sociable ( since most himbos are portrayed as extroverts, sort of like the human version of a golden retriever )

excitable

dorky

sweet

pure!!! soft!!!

courteous

shallow

naive

inarticulate ( but don’t over do it )

friendly

heroic ( i LOVE making my himbos heroic?? not in the male/white savior way, but more in the hey i know i am fucking huge so let me use this for good since i got a peanut brain )

protective

lovable

impressionable ( they lack the critical thinking skills to realize that drop bears arent a thing )

loyal

optimistic, never cynical ( they’re happy!! )

playful

athletic ( it plays into the dumb jock stereotype )

popular ( since they’re easy to get along with, it’s a no brainer they’d have a lot of friends and ppl wanna be with them )

calm ( personally i like not making my male characters angry, especially himbos since i portray them as pretty easy going dudes )

effeminate ( but this is more of a personal preference when the himbos are cis dudes. they dont have time to care about gender stereotypes and dont get why ppl are so pressed about them )

so, if you didn’t notice, most of the traits above aren’t negative. when it comes to negative traits and flaws, i try giving them more of a thought than positive ones, especially when playing males since i want my dudes to be nuanced, to be complicated but not make them complicated by adding an angry asshole into the male ocs void.

take for example my oc forrest. forrest is a himbo that also happens to be a 40 year old father of three trapped in the body of a hot dude. another thing i like to do with all od my characters is giving them something that will make their characterizations FUNNY. with forrest, that is that he is obsessed with grilling, headbands, and crop tops and likes pawn stars a lot. he is a bisexual king that would give all of his rights to women, stans girlies that will peg him, and will use his big muscles to beat up people disrespecting others.

in my opinion, giving your muses something that could be used as comic relief is vital, especially nowadays since from my experience people mostly focus on giving their muses a bunch of trauma and there is not really a balance. but again, this is a very personal thing since i do like writing comedic stuff while most people in the community lean towards angst so it explains the focus on sad backstories with no happy ending on sight. 

anyway, the way i portray forrest is by playing him as a scatter brained dude that’s sort of like a puppy. silly and loves being with people, but also fiercely protective of the people he cares about. to me, portraying himbos as dudes with a heart of gold is vital, especially since i really like countering the whole other side of male characters that are assholes. and yeah, maybe they will never be rocket scientists but at least they’re courageous and can contribute in other ways.

but of course, himbos aren’t all sunshine. when it comes to flaws, i think the easy way would be to create conflict by relying on the fact that they’re not the smartest people out there. maybe even add a bit of irresponsibility to the mix so make them the classic muse that can never be anywhere on time, will forget to buy milk and eggs because they stopped to pet a dog so their forgetful, dorky nature could annoy people or even cause issues for them at work on with their family or significant other. write about them upsetting people because it's hard to have serious conversations with them. 

have them struggle with school stuff, but be wise about it since this obviously required a certain level of research and even nuance. while them not being able to spell gorgeous might be funny while doing a text thread, things should be taking more seriously when you mention this on a thread were you are able to elaborate on their struggles. 

there is no secret behind playing a himbo or specific rules you should follow. as long as they’re nice, pretty, yet dumb you’re good to go. the trick here is to make your muse more than than! ensure that your character is not one dimensional by giving them a fully fleshed out personality and don’t rely too much on the dumb but pretty thing since while that’s essentially what himbos are, there is more to them.

anyway, i hope my ramblings are able to help anyone!!! if you got specific questions, concerns or suggestions, lmk!! i’m all for helping people out and adding to this with people’s ideas.

[infested-tea]

Bakusquad LGBT Headcanons

Whoops... haven’t posted in a while... whoops.

Anyway, for this I decided some Bakusquad gay hc. And maybe some shipping lmao. Now, BakuKiri is valid but I prefer TodoBaku. But both are great. For this imma go with TodoBaku and KiriDenki because preference. Also, if anyone starts fighting about ships in comments I’m coming for you toes.

Anyway, enjoy!

Katsuki Bakugo

This boy....

Oh god this boy

Three syllables

DISASTER

Oh yeah he’s gay

Gay disaster

Very angrily a disaster

Bakugo strikes me as a tsundere. As he does for everybody

But combined with his... tendencies...

He becomes a walking balm of internalized gay anger

He fears being outed because homophobia is fun

But since all of Class 1-A knows, they just don’t say anything

Only openly out to the Bakusquad, and Todoroki

Like I said, dating Todoroki

Or Kirishima depending on how I feel

Either way, he is a clingy, angry tsundere with both

Will avidly defend his friends and himself or anyone from any kind of bigotry

Very... passionate... lgbt supporter

May or may not have cried the night he came out to the bakusquad. Both before and after. And may or may not have been happy tears.

Also the kind of person who screams at you to die while absolutely showering you in love and trying to make you feel like the most valid person ever. But does it in his usual Bakugo tsundere way.

He has hit everyone in the Bakusquad and his boyfriend with their respective flags while shouting vaguely threatening words of love and validation at them. This has happened to everyone at least once. Todoroki, Jirou, and Denki are the most common victims.

Also. Trans Bakugo deserves rights

When it comes to being trans, Bakugo has no issue with it

Neither do his parents

But like with him being a filthy gay degen- *gets exploded* OW!!

Anyway, like him with his homosmexualness, he’s scared to come out about it

Mind you, his parents are also avid supporters for the gay community

But he himself has seen and heard things and it scares him

As well as those morons in middle school who he came out too (not willingly) but teased him about it and made stupid comments, they didn’t hate him but were more so ignorant

Has experienced actual hatred before, especially middle school (maybe projected on Midoriya a little...)

But, this boy was so relieved when he came out to his friends and especially Todoroki

Maybe the human population isn’t so bad after all, huh you angry ball of rainbows and anger

Also. Ace bb

Eijirou Kirishima

The resident sunshine shark puppy

He flips between functional and disaster depending on the day

Is extremely open about him being pan, since it’s the manliest thing to do

And he is the manliest

He is also avid supporter and defender of the lgbt

Since Kirishima is the other backbone of the Bakusquad, he’s great for when ya need some comfort

This baby boi just wants to be loved and will love you back tenfold

Best hugger in class 1-a fight me

Broken gaydar

Denki Kaminari

(This was the first gif... y’all really horny huh?)

The biggest bi disaster

Also chaotic

Unintentionally chaotic

Like, he goes in with intentions of chaos, then somehow it ends up being worse then it should’ve been

Goddamnit Denki, is now Bakugo’s favorite phrase

Best gay friends with Sero and Mina

Absolutely falls hard

Sure, he’s a flirt, but that’s just Denki being Denki

He’s so much worse when he falls in love

Not a flirt. No no. Absolute blushing mess

Bf do be Kiri tho

(Why is he the person I have the most ships with like damn...)

His gaydar is absolutely fucking broken. Like my god you could be Aoyama levels of obvious and it’d go straight over his head

Gaydar is so bad he usually ends up flirting with lesbians or already taken people

He never touches a dude because he doesn’t want people thinking he’s already weirder than he is

Bad social anxiety, so he stayed quiet about being bi

Than Sero asked... he denied it

It failed

Now he’s out and semi-proud

Does have sad days where he feels anxious and albeit ashamed

But he’s with the two biggest cuddlers with Sero and Kiri so it’s fine

Or if you want to be saucy, soft boy Shinso or Ojiro

Hanta Sero

This dumbass

Non-binary (he/they) demisexual biromantic boi

Since I hc as the most observant person (emotionally anyways) his gaydar is by far the strongest

He picked up on fucking Todoroki... that man looks straighter than his dad is sucks

Also the one who picks up the crushes before the people even do

Motherfucker could tell you who’s gonna end up with who before they even realize that they like each other

*cough* Bakugo and Todoroki *cough cough*

Poly relationship with Denki and Kiri. Fight me

Mina Ashido

Best girl

Ace lesbian

Makes a great chaotic couple with Mei Hatsume

Chaotic lesbian and she knows it

She is also disaster

Bad kind of disaster

She uh... once tried to bake a pride cake for pride month and nearly burned down the entire dorm

Denki was also there... that didn’t help

Also the resident shipper of Bakusquad and Class 1-A (alongside Hagakure and Ochako)

She absolutely got 8/10 couples together in 1-A... and also 1-B

ShinoMa anyone?

Absolutely has tricked Denki multiple times to wear dresses

Doesn’t have to trick Sero, he just does it

Adores Mei and is soft about it

Kyouka Jirou

Badass bi anyone?

Bisexual disaster

But very quietly dies unlike the other three on here

She can try and smooth it over and play it off

Doesn’t work all the time

Trans female

And I love her

Gay with Yaomomo

Hangs out with Sero and Bakugo a lot as trans squad and they end up laughing at the four other dumbasses they have sadly befriended

The head of the Bakusquad, especially at pride

Absolutely fucking listens to Against Me! and Jayne County and whatever other trans musician you can think of

Absolutely vibing with Sero while listen to Girl in Red, Cavetown, or the other two

And jams with Bakugo and Denki with those as well

On bad, dysphoric days, the squad bakes all her favorite foods, grab her girlfriend, and hang out and chill

Some general pride month headcanons

Like I’ve mentioned, vibing with Cavetown and Girl in Red

Also jamming with Jayne County and Laura Jayne Grace and whomever else Jirou found that week

At pride, Kirishima is at the bbq with Tetsutetsu (they have rainbow gay meat come on!)

Bakugo is trying to stop Todoroki from wondering off and getting lost, especially at first pride parade since it was his first time and Shoto is absolute dumbass

One year while still going to UA, Shoto and Denki picked up on an anxious Momo and sad Jirou and Sero just... announced how gay they were for each other.

Later that month, the two girls got together due to a party thrown just for them put together by Sero, Shoto, Denki, and Mina

It’s a tradition to watch whatever the gayest show out at the time is and finish it before the month is over as a group

SU is Denki and Kiri’s favorite.

Bakugo hates it cuz the diamonds piss him off

Soooooo, they have to stop halfway through the gay wedding episode

Todoroki joins in on the shows because he has nothing better to do (but really it’s because he’s lonely and craves affection... bb)

Also, when Bakugo came out. Sero won a bet with Mina. Not on him not being gay. But Mina thought he was bi.

Mina was wrong

And now it’s a tradition for Sero to make bets with the other squad members on who’s what shade of gay and then win because he’s right 100% of the time (and Bakugo just started betting WITH Sero because he got tired of losing. Denki and Mina do not give up however. And Kiri switches sides a lot.)

[diavolosthots]

saucy alphabet soup for the twins??? 😳

Yes love 😌 I'll get to Belphie after this.

BEEZLEBUB SFW ALPHABET

Argument: Do they argue? How bad does it get?

Whats arguing lol? Does not argue unless it involves Belphie or you but never WITH you. No matter how strongly he feels about something, he rarely ever lets it get heated because you're worth more than some petty argument. 

Babies: fur baby, scaly baby, or no baby?

No baby :( they're just a lot of work and he'd probably eat their food, ngl. Its not a good idea to let him get a pet.

Cocktails: are they extroverted? Introverted? Both? With their s/o? 

He's extroverted as much as he can be lol. Though not overwhelmingly so, he does love talking and making new friends. Socializing just comes naturally to him, unlike his brothers. 

Dance: would they encourage their s/o to join become "sinful" so they could stay in hell/the devildom? How would they take it if they did?

He honestly does not pressure you into staying, but hed be heartbroken if you actually left him forever. He just hates the thought of you leaving him, but he understands that you dont belong here in the Devildom.

Exit: Do they like to travel? Where would they want to go? 

Hed love to see more of the human world, actually! It's so unique and different from the Devildom and he enjoys any trip he gets to make up there. Personally, hed love to go skiing somewhere so maybe the Alps or Vail? 

Food: what's their favorite date with their s/o?

Anything that involves food, no cap lol. Anything that mixes food and you is like hes back in heaven. 

Grease: what's something special they made for their s/o? 

He made them a cake once that was a mixture of human and Devildom ingredients. It actually tasted really good! Sadly, he won't share the recipe because its special to his and their relationship :) 

Honesty: would they ever hide something from their s/o? 

Not really. Hes truly the odd ball in the family as far as openness and feelings go. Hes pretty straight forward and doesnt hide a lot of things from anyone. 

Independence: what type of lover are they? Clingy or carefree? 

He's more clingy than people think but he doesnt drown you in his presence. More like a shadow thats constantly watching over you. But really, he just loves to stay close to you and have some part of his on some part of you.

Jealous: are they a jealous person?

Surprisingly, no. Hes very trusting in both you and him and doesnt think youd ever leave him for someone else. He also would never leave you for anyone else. It's tough enough to find a good person to stick by you through thick and thin ya know? 

Kindness: how far would they go for their s/o? Ride or die kind of thing?

He's definitely a ride or die kind of demon from the beginning on. He gives his all into anyone and anything he cares about, that includes his s/o. They never have to question where his intentions lie because they always lie with them.

Love: what's their love type? 

Acts of service definitely. Not only will he hold any door for you, and fight off any demons, but he also buys you and shares his food, or helps you make some if you're hungry. Hes a very kind demon. 

Mouth: where's their favorite place to kiss?

Your lips definitely. He likes to devour them, or just place a soft kiss on them, whichever youre in the mood for. Bonus points if theyre covered in chocolate or any other type of food. Hes definitely over you if thats the thing. 

No: anything they wouldnt do with or for their s/o? 

Hurt or betray Belphie. Their bond is too strong and he couldnt bear seeing his twin in pain, not after everything he's gone through already. 

Odor: what's their favorite scent? On a s/o?

Food lol. He actually likes strawberry the most because its very feminine and sweet. Makes him want to pick some and eat them right then and there. Or you. Whichever he gets to first. 

PDA: how open are they to PDA 

Hes an average dude ya dig? A hug here and there, your hand in his, maybe a kiss on the cheek. He likes to touch you but hes not overly in anyones face about it. 

Questions: will they be an open book or not? 

More open than his brothers, thats for sure. He doesnt see the point in hiding things from you, especially if youre going to stick around for a while. And he hopes you do. 

Reserved: what's something that only his s/o would know about? 

Anything that goes on between him and Belphie, both good and bad. They had a fight? You'll know. Belphie broke the world's record for most hours slept? You'll know. Its just nice to not hold things inside and share them outside the space he shares with his brother. 

Serious: how long until they start to get really serious with their s/o? 

Hes pretty serious from the start, but also cautious. Of course he won't play any games, but he can never be too sure that you wont either. 

Type: what's their type in a s/o ? 

Most likely someone who loves food as much as he does lol. Also someone whos more on the mellow side and not too hyper. In a sense, someone like Belphie who's introverted and needs some type of protection, at least in his eyes. 

Untouched: have they been in a relationship before? How many? 

Not really. Hes had a fling here and there, and much like Lucifer, only to get tension out. Food was just always more important than any demon, or human, could ever be 🤷 cant blame him. 

Very: what's something they're really good at outside of hobbies? 

Hes actually a great chef, which should come to no ones surprise! He loves to cook and try new recipes all the time; human, devildom, or celestial, you name it and he can whip it up! Super excited to learn new things when it comes to the kitchen. 

Weird: what's something odd or weird about them?

He hogs his pillows when he sleeps. Like he literally will pull them from under his head and just hold them so tightly to himself that one might think they'll break. 

Xylophone: their favorite part about you? Physically? Mentally? 

Physically its your stomach. He just loves to rub his hand over it or may his head down on it. It holds all your food and he doesnt know why but it makes him happy :) mentally its your softness, especially down here in the Devildom, you know the place that usually turns you pretty rough. 

Yearning: would they like a family? How many kids? 

He'd love to take things to the next level and marry you and start a family! What about twins? Triplets? The more the merrier is what he always says. 

Zebra: Do they change throughout their relationship? Are they truly themselves? 

Hes pretty true to himself. Again, he doesnt see the point in hiding anything from you and even if he did, it'll come out sooner or later. 

[not-museing-around]

500 follower follow forever!

OMG! So I hit 500 freaking followers! Holy shit! You guys! 

Thank you for all the love! 

I have to say thank you  to all of you, and I want you all to know I love you dearly! I’ve been back for a year and a half and honestly I have zero regrets! 

There are a thousand people I want to thank from the bottom of my heart but I’m a stoner and I’m sure I’m forgetting some. So please don’t be upset if you don’t see your name and you think you should. 

@oldestwounds I have to thank my longest partner and one of my very best friends.  We have something like 30 ships and have spoken nearly every day and Girl.. I fuckin love you. You are a mother fucking queen. 

@tenderstars Another fucking queen. Another one of my very best friends and a delightful queen. Our ships actively make me squeal on a regular basis. 

@frhire my fuckin dude. Our ships always hold a special place in my heart.

@sadiesxmuses I don’t even have the words. We mostly rp on discord but I never fail to have all the muse for you. You also are just delightful as a person and a heckin golden soul my dude. 

@long-gone-dream One of the best writers I know and a gem of a human <3 I love all of our threads so very much.

@thosemalemuses I fucking adore you as a human, I love our ships and plots and the fact you can literally throw anyone at me always and I fucking melt. 

@mentct we haven’t been playing together for long but you give me all the feels all the time and I’m sending you love my dude. 

@brok3nxdreams You have been with me since almost the beginning and our ships scream at my soul. I love them and the way you write so much. Our saucy babies are life. 

I honestly have too many to list but people you should also totally give some love to: 

@xleialevinex​ @dearxeden​ @wxrwounds @hollowedstreets @thedominantdaddies @writermuses @sweetlipsandroses @bluchucs @mollysmythtymsyllom  @writingsofthedamned @multiverseofmuses @clevvrasthedeviil @snoopywriites @bluejeanbaby @enxgmatics @hiddeninflame @succuficial @sxmebrxs @lvstxwithin @all-the-deadly-sins @iiingenious @aj-writesss And I’m sure so so many that I just can’t remember at this very moment but know you are LOVED 

There are a number of you that I’ve just started playing with,  but know I FUCKIN LOVE YOU OKAY?!

@fantxsty @lostxones @overnightheartbeats @estrangedaframian @artemis-rps @soulsuckrrs @amorcusly @aprilwritcs

[kleinuuu]

The discourse over people being so concerned about how people play their videogames....in their own homes....on their own time...in their own lives....is amazing to me. It's almost like people continuously need an explanation for something that doesn't involve them/wouldn't matter even if it did. It's almost like people are too nosey and entitled for their own good. :)

[shanghai-ohmy]

Mao Mao: Heroes of... Holomyr? (MaoMaoctober day 20: Game)

In this fic, King Snugglemagne summons Mao Mao, Badgerclops, and Adorabat to guard and entertain him on a rainy day. What better way to pass the time than to play a little Dungeons & Dragons together?

Snugglemagne, Mao Mao, and Adorabat play. Badgerclops DMs. Mao Mao learns to let himself have fun and be vulnerable through roleplaying.

This is day 20 of my daily fics for the MaoMaoctober prompts! As with all other days, it’s totally independent of the previous ones and can be enjoyed on its own! I’m proud of this one, and it’s full fic length (3.2k words), so I thought I’d post it here like a standalone. Thanks to my boyfriend @htodinth for his help with scene and dialogue ideas, as well as editing.

Read it on AO3, or under the cut!

The rain pounded on the intricate stained glass windows of King Snugglemagne’s palace, slipping down the colored panes in thick rivulets. The king had sent most of his retinue home before the rain began, leaving the large estate almost entirely empty. He’d even sent his guard detachment away. But that was fine; he had the utmost confidence in their temporary replacements.

“So you see,” King Snugglemagne said, posing dramatically in his throne, “with this horrible rain I simply cannot entertain myself! There can be no croquet, no outdoor galas, and no hastily-produced reality TV shows! And since the rest of my court has been sent home, and you’re here to act as my guards…” He gestured with a flourish. “...that duty falls to you three!”

Mao Mao’s eye twitched. “So you called us here… in the middle of a massive rainstorm… to be your jesters?!” He took a step towards the king, who immediately began to cower.

Badgerclops grabbed him by the neck of his cape and pulled him back. “Chill out, man! We just have to entertain ourselves and include the king, that’s all.”

“Yes! Quite right!” Snugglemagne agreed nervously.

Mao Mao groaned. “With all due respect your highness, this is a waste of our time!”

“Excuse us for just a moment, King Snugglemagne.” Badgerclops walked towards a side chamber, dragging Mao Mao with him. “Adorabat! Keep an eye on the king for us!”

“Roger!” She sounded excited.

“Dude, what’s your problem?”

“This is ridiculous, Badgerclops! I’m a legendary hero! Not a babysitter!”

“C’mon man, just suck it up and help out! It’s one night! And besides, it’s your sheriff-ly duty to obey the king or whatever.”

Mao Mao crossed his arms. “Ugh, fine! But I’m not going to enjoy it!”

An idea came to Badgerclops. A really good idea. This might be the moment to do something he’d wanted to try with Mao Mao for ages. “Hey Mao Mao… what if you could go on a really cool adventure, keep the king safe, and entertain him all at the same time?”

Mao Mao looked intrigued.

“I’ve got a great idea. Just trust me.”

They returned to the throne room to find Adorabat finishing up a magic trick. The king gasped with delight and clapped as she produced a bouquet of roses from thin air. She threw it to him and took a bow.

“Okay y’all,” Badgerclops said, “I’ve got a game for us to play. Have any of you ever played Dungeons & Dragons before?”

Mao Mao stared at him blankly.

“I have a dungeon!” the king offered, confused.

Adorabat had stars in her eyes. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh YES!!! I LOVE that game!”

Badgerclops was surprised. “It’s… a lot of rules for someone your age, Adorabat. Who have you played with?”

“Well…” She looked embarrassed. “I might have… snuck out to play it with the sky pirates…”

“You WHAT?!” Mao Mao yelled, turning to her.

“I’m sorry! They’re just so good at imagining things! Even their food is imaginary!”

“Adorabat, we’ll talk about this later. Mao, run to the aerocycle and grab my bag, okay?”

Mao Mao nodded and strode away.

“I’m terribly sorry, Sheriff Badgerclops, but what exactly is… happening?”

“Oh, nothing major, I’m just saving the day. This game will keep you entertained for hours, dude. It’s kinda like… you, Mao Mao, and Adorabat will make up your own characters with cool moves and stuff, and then I’ll narrate an adventure for you! You get to make choices about where you want to go and what you want to do, and I use some dice to help decide how it all goes.”

The king seemed uncertain.

“You get to come up with an outfit for your character~” Badgerclops said enticingly.

Snugglemagne leapt out of his throne. “Oh! Oh! Let’s begin at once!”

---

A few minutes later they were gathered around a table. Badgerclops had printed off several blank character sheets from his arm. Mao Mao, Snugglemagne, and Adorabat were poring over the race and class selections. A platter of tiny bite-sized pizzas sat on the table between them.

“I say, this bard seems like a saucy fellow!” King Snugglemagne announced, raising the class guide for everyone to see.

“Ooh, excellent choice!” Badgerclops said. “What’s your instrument?”

“Keytar.” He replied without even a moment of hesitation.

“Atypical, but I like it!” Badgerclops jotted down some information on Snugglemagne’s character sheet and then handed it back to him. “Now you have to pick out a race.”

“I shall play the fighter,” Mao Mao announced, indicating a sheet of paper.

“Shocking,” Badgerclops said sarcastically. “Hand me your character sheet, and pick some moves.” He filled in the appropriate fields on Mao Mao’s sheet.

“Um, Badgerclops?” Adorabat said.

“Yeah dude?”

She motioned for him to lean down, then whispered into her ear. He looked surprised, then nodded. “You got it.” Another sheet printed from his arm.

“I’m playing a homebrew alchemist class!” Adorabat announced. “We’re gonna BLOW SOME STUFF UP!”

They continued setting up their characters, taking moves and choosing proficiencies. Badgerclops looked up at them brightly once everyone had finished. “Okay, why don’t we introduce our characters? Adorabat, would you mind starting?”

“Okay!” She straightened up her papers and cleared her throat. “I am Rirkarg Shrapnel, the gnoll alchemist! Once I was a maker of medicine for my people, but an evil duke and his army razed my homeland and killed all my friends! So I turned my skills to destruction, and seek to destroy him!”

Badgerclops nodded approvingly. “What’s the duke’s name?”

“Um,” Adorabat rubbed the back of her head, “I couldn’t come up with one.”

“Let’s just call him something generic for now, then. Duke… free… water. Duke Freewater.” He took down a note. “Mao Mao?”

“Can you…” Mao Mao looked embarrassed. “Can you come back to me later?”

“Okay, sure. Just let me know if you need any help, okay?”

“I don’t need help playing an imaginary game!!” He snapped.

“Right, okay, I got it. Jeez, dude. Snugglemagne?”

“Yes, very well.” Snugglemagne put on a smooth voice. “Yes, hello my adoring fans! I am the one, the only Gilwyn Goldheart! The most handsome elf in all of…” He turned to Badgerclops. “What are we calling this place?”

“The whole world is Holomyr, but we’re focusing on the Green Reef Coast.”

Snugglemagne nodded. “The most handsome elf in all of Holomyr! Or at least… I was.” He placed the back of his hand to his head, dramatically. “You see, a horrible curse has befallen me, and cracked my beautiful face like a porcelain mask! I have nothing but my music now! So I wander the world in search of a way to undo this dreadful affliction!”

“That is SO COOL!” Adorabat said.

Snugglemagne looked bashful. “Oh, my! Thank you! I thought your character was excellent as well!” He beamed.

“Alright Mao Mao, whatcha got?”

Mao Mao shifted nervously in his seat. “Um, hello, everyone, I’m… Mercutio. I’m a human fighter.”

When Mao Mao didn’t continue, Badgerclops stepped in. “Mercutio, that’s a good name! Does he have a surname?”

“I, uh… It was…” Mao Mao fumbled for an answer. Coming up with one name had been hard enough. “Umm…”

“It’s a mysterious secret,” Adorabat chimed in, “that only his absolute closest companions may learn.”

“Yeah! It’s that!” Mao Mao looked relieved.

“I love it! Good job, Mao Mao.”

For a moment, Mao Mao’s eyes filled with excitement.

“Any backstory you want to share?”

Mao Mao nodded. “I was a… my village…” His face reddened as he stumbled over the words.

“Hey,” Badgerclops whispered to him, “you can talk about your character in third person if it’s easier.”

Some of the tension eased out of Mao Mao’s pose. He looked a bit more confident. “Mercutio showed promise as a hero early on, and there was lots of talk around his village about all the good he could do if he were trained properly. But the village didn’t have much, and going off to any sort of hero school seemed like an impossible dream to him. But after his years growing up there, helping everyone and being a hero at home, he earned their love and respect. So the people pooled their resources to send him to a heroic academy far across the continent. Now he patrols the world trying to make a name for himself and raise his village to prominence in return for their charity!” Mao Mao realized he had begun gesturing and gently folded his hands back in his lap, embarrassed.

“A world traveler! That’s fantastic, Mao Mao!” Badgerclops said.

“Oh yes,” King Snugglemagne agreed, “I simply love a village prodigy story!”

Mao Mao rubbed the back of his head, looking away. “Thanks…”

They worked out some details of how their relationships to each other and how they’d met. Gilwyn had hired Rirkarg to find a treatment that could fix his face, and the two of them had struck up an unlikely rapport even though Rirkarg failed to help him. Mercutio had come across the pair when he hitched a ride on a caravan of traveling merchants and found Gilwyn entertaining the salespeople with his songs in exchange for their transport.

Satisfied with their characters, Badgerclops stood up and dimmed the lights a little. “Okay,” he said, sitting back in his chair, “let me set the scene.”

“The three of you are sitting at an outdoor table in a busy park in one of the Green Reef Coast’s largest cities, Ymera. Mercutio tracked a lead to an informant with info on Duke Freewater. You intend to meet her here. Since you’re meeting under broad daylight, you’re hoping that the anonymity of the city will prevent any prying eyes; the crowds should be enough to leave you in total peace.”

“Rirkarg, you spot the informant first. She is a tall, strong Dragonborn with green scales and large black horns jutting back from her head. She approaches the table and sits down inconspicuously, as though she’s a part of your group. ‘Greetings, Mercutio.’ she says.”

Mao Mao considered. “I want to check her for weapons, but we’re trying not to draw attention…”

“You can roll a perception check to see if you spotted anything on her as she was sitting down, or sleight of hand to attempt to feel around for weapons without her noticing.”

“Well, my sleight of hand check would be better, wouldn’t it?”

Badgerclops glanced at his stats. “Yes, it is.”

“Now, sheriff,” King Snugglemagne chimed in, “you would be groping an informant under the table, which is most unbecoming of a hero. Plus, she looks like she could kick your ass.”

Mao Mao blushed. Adorabat giggled. “Okay, okay. Perception, then. Which one do I roll?”

“This one,” Badgerclops said, handing him a twenty-sided die. “It’s always the d20 for checks.”

Mao Mao turned the die over in his hand a few times, then rolled it across the table. It slid to a stop with a six facing upwards. “Six plus one gives me seven.”

Badgerclops shrugged. “You’ve got no idea if she’s packing or not. Nothing looks amiss.”

“Stupid dice,” Mao Mao grumbled.

“Please, Madam,” Snugglemagne said in his smooth character voice, “allow me to introduce myself. I am-”

“Oh my god, you’re Gilwyn Goldheart!” 

King Sugglemagne tugged at his collar, evidently already in character. “Well, it’s always nice to meet a fan, but could you perhaps keep it down? This meeting is supposed to be… clandestine. Cloak-and-dagger-ish.”

“She shakes her head, embarrassed. ‘Sorry, I just got a little excited. Let’s just get to the point. You’re looking for intel on Duke Freewater?’”

“Rirkarg nods. ‘He destroyed my home. I will have my revenge.’”

“‘Well, rumor has it that in a week, he’s launching a massive warship from Port Rejtal. They’re going to blow a hole straight through the Green Reef and open up a passage to the sea. It’ll increase his naval power tenfold, and the damage to the reef will be unrecoverable.’ You guys know that Rejtal is about five days’ travel south of where you are, so you need to get there quickly if you want to make it before the warship launches.”

“Rirkarg’s nostrils flare. They look determined. Also angry. ‘Freewater. He will be on this ship?’”

“The informant isn’t certain. She says she’s heard conflicting reports.”

“Is the Green Reef well known?” Mao Mao asked Badgerclops.

“Oh yeah, this entire coast is considered one of the most beautiful places in the world. It’d be a huge deal if it was destroyed, even partially.”

Mao Mao’s eyes sparked. “Mercutio slams his fist on the table. ‘If we save the reef from destruction, we’ll be renowned the world over!’”

“Rirkarg agrees. ‘And Duke Freewater must not gain any more military power than he already has.’”

“So, we’re taking a road trip to Rejtal?” Snugglemagne asked in his Gilwyn voice.

“Yeah!!” Adorabat yelled, out of character. “Road trip!” They laughed, and after a moment, Mao Mao joined in.

===

The next few hours of the game unfolded without a hitch. Every time Mao Mao acted in character, Badgerclops would encourage and praise him. Mao Mao grew invested in the game, talking in character and building out his story. He carried out an excellent philosophical discussion with Gilwyn about fame, Gilwyn having lost his and Mercutio seeking to grow his own. He came up with unexpected, exciting strategies in battle. He took a few failed rolls a little too personally, but Badgerclops decided that was a good sign. Mao Mao was empathizing with his character, and poking at the edges of some of his insecurities through Mercutio. Badgerclops had hoped that Mao Mao would react like this. Roleplaying might be good for him.

It felt like no time at all had passed before they came to the climactic scene. The party was split, with Gilwyn and Rirkarg fighting to place a bomb down in the hold while Mercutio faced the ship’s captain, alone. The boat had pulled out of the dock but was not yet at the reef. Duke Freewater was nowhere to be found, much to Rirkarg’s chagrin. Adorabat had cursed up a storm when they failed to find him, which Badgerclops reprimanded her for even though it was technically in character. He’d have to speak to Orangusnake later about his language at the table.

“Okay, Rirkarg, Gilwyn is holding off the guards. You have a moment to act. What do you do?”

Adorabat stood up on her chair. “I plant the bomb I made earlier right against the hull, then cover it up with some boxes so nobody will see it! This thing’s going down!”

“Roll sleight of hand.”

“Sixteen plus three! Nineteen!”

“You plant the bomb and hide it perfectly. Nobody is going to find it.”

“Good show!” Snugglemagne exclaimed. They high fived.

“Let’s jump back to Mercutio. Mercutio, you have the captain backed against the railing of the ship. He grins at you as he brandishes his cutlass. ‘You were a fool to come here, Mercutio, and a bigger fool for fighting me alone! You want to be a hero, hm? Then it’s too bad you’ll die here, weak and alone.’ You hear someone running up behind you, and before you can turn around…”

Badgerclops rolled a die. His eye shot open. “He MISSES?!”

The players cheered. “The whole ship rocks as an explosive rings out from the lower hull. You see the captain’s chief naval officer stumble past you, his sword narrowly missing your arm. He was thrown off by the blast. And because he missed, it is now your turn.”

“Come on Mao Mao, get him!” Adorabat called.

“Yes, sheriff! Destroy those men!”

“What was that about being alone, Captain Ulrich?!” Mao Mao roared, laughing as he hopped up onto his chair. “I’m stronger than you’ll ever be! And I have my friends to help me be even better!” Mao Mao grabbed a twenty-sided die from the table. “And then I stab my sword into the chief officer!”

“Roll to attack!”

Mao Mao released the die. It rolled to a stop. He leaned over the table to look at it.

“NATURAL TWENTY!!” He roared.

Adorabat screamed. Snugglemagne whistled and clapped.

“Alright Mercutio,” Badgerclops said, “describe it.”

“I switch to a dagger grip on my sword and as he stumbles to my side, I swing out without even looking. My sword goes straight up through his stomach to his head, impaling him. I keep my eyes on the captain the entire time.” Mao Mao acted out his description in dramatic fashion, illustrating the movement for everyone else to see.

“Grizzly!”

“Cool!!”

“Oh, how terribly violent of you!”

“I’m going to action surge for an additional attack.”

“What are you doing?”

“I want to pick up the chief officer and throw him at the captain, sending them both overboard.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Adorabat was thrilled.

“Normally that would be a strength contest, but… he’s dead, so he can’t resist being thrown. Roll a strength check, I guess.”

Trembling with excitement, Mao Mao picked up the die. He let it roll along the table, and then…

“ANOTHER TWENTY!!!!!” He stepped a foot up onto the table as everyone absolutely lost it.

“Oh my god! Okay! Okay hang on!” Badgerclops looked like he was ready to explode. “What’s it like, and do you say anything cool?”

“I switch grips on the sword again and hoist the entire chief officer over my head like a kebab, my massive muscles rippling under the sun. I plant one foot back, yell, and spear him at the captain like a javelin. My sword slides out of him as he shoots forward.”

Badgerclops looked up at Mao Mao. There was genuine excitement in his eyes. He was being open and vulnerable, and he was having fun. 

“The body collides with Captain Ulrich, knocking him over the bannister of the ship. He grapples with the corpse, trying to get a hand onto the side of the boat before he falls.”

“I say ‘Enjoy your new view of the reef.’”

“You hear fading screaming and then a splash as he plummets from the sinking ship and falls into the water below.”

Everyone around the table cheered. King Snugglemagne hopped out of his seat and grabbed Mao Mao off the table, spinning him around in a hug. “Good show, sheriff Mao Mao! Good show!!” He deposited Mao Mao, who was now blushing, back in his seat.

They played out a short epilogue to the adventure, Gilwyn and Rirkarg pulling up in a stolen lifeboat to rescue Mercutio from the sinking ship. They were technically felons now, since they’d destroyed the Duke’s ship and killed several people, so they fled as soon as the made land. But word spread of their heroism even though they weren’t there to tell it firsthand. Mercutio’s rise as a hero had begun.

===

“Oof, I’m EXHAUSTED!” Badgerclops said, slumping back in his chair. “Thanks for playing, guys.”

“Thank you for running this little experience, sheriff Badgerclops! It was most delightful.”

“Yeah Badgerclops, that was incredible!” Mao Mao laughed. 

Badgerclops smiled at him. Then suddenly, Mao Mao was hugging him.

“Thank you.”

It was a short hug. He blushed and walked away very quickly, taking some of the snack plates with him to the kitchen to clean them up.

“How do I stack up to the Sky Pirates?” Badgerclops asked Adorabat.

She considered. “Your worldbuilding is better, but Orangusnake’s character voices are incredible. And it’s more fun with a fourth player.”

Badgerclops thought for a moment. He counted on his fingers. “Huh. Too bad we don’t have any more friends.”

“But lots of enemies!”

Badgerclops chuckled.

[jakey-beefed-it]

What attracted you the race, class, background, alignment etc of your d&d character? I.e. What was the draw?

Gonna answer this for Altanin, my chaotic good tiefling barbarian, since he’s the one I play the most.

Race: Tieflings are neat! I’m always interested in half-breeds and ‘monstrous’ races who face judgment and discrimination because of my own mixed-race issues. Half-orc is the obvious choice for that, and particularly for a barbarian, but honestly I think horns are cooler than tusks. It’s... not deep or complicated, really- half-orcs are cool but tieflings are Cool(TM). Also, I love the shit out of the anti-antichrist angle, the ‘Hellboy just wants to pet cats and eat pancakes and you can fuck off with the whole Right Hand of Doom bullshit.’ So my poor boy grew up in a mongolian-type steppe nomad society where everyone was like ‘oh, yeah, that Altanin’s a pretty good dude for a DEMONIC BEING LABORING UNDER A BLOOD CURSE, WHY DID WE TAKE HIM INTO OUR TRIBE?! WE’RE CURSED!’ until he was eventually exiled- though not for tiefling stuff, sadly, but because he went into a barbarian rage and one-punch killed his fiancee’s asshole brother in what was supposed to be just an ordinary ‘fuck you though’ brawl.

Class: I’ve never played a barbarian before! I’ve played lots of paladins, I’ve played a wizard (abjurer with a high STR/CON who was prone to casting silence/antimagic field on enemy wizards and then just... just beating them senseless with his fists), I’ve played a fighter/rogue and a bard... I wanted to do something that was fairly straightforward combat-wise but would allow some shenanigans. Thought hard about going berserker but we kinda needed something tankier and we already had a rogue and a ranger who do P L E N T Y of damage, so, bear totem looked neat and I gave it a shot. Holy damn is it awesome. So now I’ve got a level seven slab of mongolian beef with 102 hp who, when raging, takes half damage from everything but psychic damage, and so effectively has like 204 hp unless a saucy bard insults his fashion sense (which is, admittedly, devastating). Not to mention the ‘double lifting and carrying capacity’ thing you get. So Altanin, a bit drunk at a party with aristocratic ladies and no idea how to impress them, was being 100% honest when he stammered ‘I can lift a horse you wanna see?’

Background: I knew I wanted to go for a ‘peripheral,’ less settled people for inspiration for my barbarian rather than someone from anyplace that considered itself ‘civilization.’ Vikings are rad as hell for that but it feels like it’s been done kind of a lot. So instead I went for ‘steppe nomad’ since they spent most of human history riding around making life extremely difficult for everyone bordering the entire fuckening eurasian steppe. In narrowing it down a bit I decided I liked the Mongols best. Not a strike against Scythians, Turks, Huns, etc., because they’re pretty rad, too. But Mongols, man. Mongols. Anyhow then I ended up dumping Wisdom so I was absolute shit at animal handling and decided Altanin was just like... the Worst Mongol(TM) and growing up he was never able to really ride around and herd sheep or whatever very effectively because he was so tall and awkward (most of his tribe were like, average-to-somewhat small stature, he is 7 feet fuckening tall) and the stubby horses were like ‘oh fuck no’ when he’d try to ride them. So instead he started literally pushing and then carrying the sheep back where they needed to be. And he got progressively stronger and stronger and built preposterous levels of stamina hauling full sized fucking animals around by foot fast enough to keep up even a little with the other kids assigned to round up the animals. Anyhow I had to give him a Tragic Backstory (well-adjusted people rarely take up adventuring) so I decided he’d been a foundling who grew up resented and largely outcast and who was eventually Banished For Life from the only people he’d ever known. As one does.

Alignment: I am a big softie and literally always play a good alignment. My paladins were all lawful good (back in MY day you HAD to be lawful good to be a paladin! kids these days and their more accepting deities who want paladins with matching ethoi *shakes fist*), my wizard was neutral good, my rogue/fighter and bard were chaotic good. Good because they all genuinely cared about helping other people. The law/chaos axis just describes how they thought one should go about it. My lawful good paladins always tried to be Just and Fair and once they got high level they did their best to be Reasonable Authority Figures. By and large they took a larger-view of trying to help society. The needs of the many and all that. My neutral good mage was a bit more flexible on bending the ‘rules’ if the results were good; he didn’t chafe at rules or structure so much but sometimes they could get in the way and so he’d... fudge, a bit. Look, sometimes you just gotta skip the paperwork and Do Good. Most of my chaotic good characters have been... vaguely criminal, or Living A Lie, or some other major reason to justify their alignment- valuing their individual freedom over boring ‘rules’ so long as nobody got hurt. Well, nobody innocent. Altanin has some of that attitude, but mostly he’s just got a narrower view on ‘doing good’ than my paladins- he doesn’t understand how to help Society, but by god he can help this person, here and now, if the damn cops will just shut up and let him do his thing and stop whining about ‘taking the law into his own hands’ or ‘frightening the local merchants by growling about capitalism’ or ‘destabilizing the local economy by giving wads of coin to everyone who looked like they needed a little help.’

Also frankly he’s just a lot more impulsive than my other characters tend to be, and that doesn’t work out so well with lawful good alignments, thematically, in my opinion. I mean, you absolutely COULD do a really compelling lawful good heart-on-sleeve recklessly kind character who would be really neat, it just didn’t feel right for Altanin, and that’s borne out well with his character development.

Thanks for the ask! I love talking about my enormous fiendish dire mongol son. Altanin, to paraphrase a meme, ‘looks like he could kill you, could actually kill you, but mostly just wants to help you unless you’re bad, and then he will yeet you into the next life.’

[fallout76rp]

Video Game Roleplayers! A Constant Source of Gold & Hidden Jewels!

A list of GTA V roleplayers you should watch to get ready for SyncRP on Fallout 76!

Most of these are from NoPixel, but there are some from FamRP as well. Both are fantastic roleplay servers, constantly alive with story, 24 hours a day. Honestly, all of these people deserve to have thousands of viewers at a time, they’re too funny. And they all nail the drama when things get serious.

SirPink - Reggie, the owner and operator of Saucy Taxi. Because why would you even consider riding in a taxi that wasn’t saucy?

Whippy - James Tinklebottom is a troubled reporter. And “troubled” is putting it very, very lightly. Definitely watch this guy.

Afro - He literally created the dark web, and he plays the family of weirdos in control of it. He’s also Sayid, who runs LifeInvader after Norris lost his head, and Dexter, who’s bringing back Grove Street.

SmokySloth - The hardest cat in Grove St!

Ishyy - Australian badass and former mayor of San Andreas!

Abby - Abby is incredibly funny, go check her stuff!

Abdul - Abdul, AKA The Yellow Flash! He doesn’t stream all the time anymore, but when he does it’s still pure gold.

Coop - Judge Coop Holiday. Go get hooked on some intense and detailed videogame court!

Cacalac1 - Chill and thrill with Kaley Doss!

Vader - Kudo Kai, the hilarious former Emperor of Japan and Paleto Bay... He’s also two members of the Grove St Gang.

Cyr - Joe Caine is a good guy, solid dude, always down for a nice chat. I have to admit though... sometimes I suspect Joe Caine might have a bit of a dark side.

Rahmee - He’s the nicest guy in town, and yet he’s almost always involved in the biggest crimes happening the city. The nicest guy to ever set you on fire.��

FortyOne - FortyOne puts an amazing amount of work and emotion into his characters, and it shows. He’s Funny Man (see his origin here!), constantly digging deeper into mystery, and Lucas Ortiz, who’s bringing racing back to San Andreas.

Hobbittrash - She plays a lot of characters, and all of them are hysterical. She constantly has me crackin up.

CrunchyShuffles - Grimoire Carolynne Hauttogs III... is a badass!

Kyle - Wyatt Derp... AKA... the Black Bandit... (and also Nightwing...)

Katie - Possibly the best. She plays a lot of characters and all of them are cool!

Lord Kebun - AKA Mr. Chang, the leader of the unstoppable Chang Gang.

Rlly - Rlly play the brilliant Kelly, who might be my favorite character in the game.

AirborneSpore - Chill with Judge Dennis, and or kick some ass with Pistol Pete. Check him out.

TastyTV - Bobby Irvine... “They say he's the greatest car salesman the world has ever known...”

Hedisaurus - EMS Hedi. Don’t sleep on the medics, they get up to some weird stuff!

Madmoiselle - Pixie Plum! The most powerful psychiatrist in San Andreas.

PonyPunch - He’s Dr. Death and he’s an enthusiastic Epsilonist... and a whole lot more.

Fist Of The Walrus - The nexus through which the mystic 5-dimensional entity known to human ears as Doob Dooberson expresses himself in the world. He also plays multiple hilarious characters in GTA V and Conan.

LtZonda - Larry Larrington is one of the funniest characters in the game... but they’ve locked him up! Why haven’t they let him out yet!? WHY!? SOMEBODY SAVE LARRY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I think this is what Bethesda wants us doing with their new Fallout game, especially as we build up our settlements. Let’s go for it.

What kinds of weird characters and stories will we grow, out there in the wasteland...

[webspun]

1-39 mj

WOULD YOU RATHER KNOW THE DATE OF YOUR DEATH OR THE CAUSE OF YOUR DEATH?

well, considering she’s morbid as fuck… yes. but any way it goes—three days from now or thirty years—she will go absolutely bonkers. bucket list, babes. logically she should already be crossing shit off… but she isn’t. big fat L. 

 IF YOU WERE FORCED TO KILL YOUR MOTHER OR YOUR FATHER, WHICH ONE WOULD YOU CHOOSE? 

her dad. she hates him so fucking much, my dudes. when she pushes him to suicide >>>>>>

WHAT’S THE MOST DISTURBING THOUGHT THAT’S EVER RUN THROUGH YOUR HEAD DURING SEX? 

“kill me, lol”

DO YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF BLOOD? 

she thinks blood is cool as hell. but it’s gross when it’s in your mouth. she’ll keep it there, though. for the aesthetics…

WHICH SERIAL KILLER DO YOU FIND THE MOST FASCINATING?

probably aileen, why lie? #feminism … 

WOULD YOU RATHER BLEED OUT OR BE SET ON FIRE?

while being set on fire sounds dope—it’d hurt, no? like, bad. and blood is cool, as established. she loves a gruesome scene. 

IF YOU WERE TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND, WOULD YOU RATHER RESORT TO CANNIBALISM OR DIE OF STARVATION?

mj thinks she’s way cooler than she is. BUT A LINE MUST BE DRAWN SOMEWHERE… and it’s at cannibalism. 

IF SOMEONE YOU LOVED COMMITTED A GRUESOME MURDER, WOULD YOU HELP THEM COVER IT UP?

yes. she is ride or die, my guy. nobody take advantage of that.

WOULD YOU RATHER SEE THE GHOST OF A STRANGER OR OF SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE?

stranger, for cheesy. also who would the supposedly loved ghost be? lol… haha…

WHICH HORROR MOVIE MONSTER DO YOU THINK IS THE DEADLIEST?

does freddy krueger count as a horror movie monster? because she thinks he’s pretty neat. like aesthetically. he’s gross, personally.

WOULD YOU RATHER BE EATEN ALIVE BY WOLVES OR EAT ANOTHER HUMAN ALIVE?

both HORRIBLE options… wolves.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH?

all the time. literally. all. the. fucking time. when, how, and why… kidnapping was not a top contender but here we are.

IF YOU WERE A NECROPHILIAC, WHICH CELEBRITY WOULD YOU WANT TO DIG UP? 

sid vicious. let’s not discuss. 

WHAT’S THE MOST DISTURBING SONG SOMEONE COULD PLAY WHILE HAVING SEX?

to her? anything… you put some saucy eighties ballads on and mj is bolting through the door. intimacy is scary. movie-like intimacy is downright petrifying. 

WOULD YOU EVER STAY THE NIGHT IN AN ABANDONED HOUSE THAT EVERYONE CLAIMS IS HAUNTED?

what makes you think she hasn’t already?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO DEFEND YOURSELF IF SOMEONE BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE?

she’s homeless? but say she was still living at home… get a bat, get her dog, and hide in the closet. if rusty isn’t included in the scenario then she’d just jump out the window. #parkour

IF THERE WAS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, WHICH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WOULD DIE FIRST?

pippa. next question.

DO YOU THINK DEATH BY DROWNING OR DEATH BY ELECTROCUTION WOULD BE MORE PAINFUL?

drowning, hands down.

IF YOU MET A VAMPIRE, WOULD YOU LET IT BITE YOU FOR ETERNAL LIFE OR WOULD YOU SHOVE A STAKE IN ITS HEART?

immortality sexy. blood sexy. vampires sexy. it’s a hells to the yes, baby.

WOULD YOU RATHER MURDER THREE INNOCENT CHILDREN OR WATCH THREE OF YOUR LOVED ONES DIE IN FRONT OF YOU?

fuck them kids.

IF ALIENS CAME TO EARTH, WOULD YOU WANT US TO WELCOME THEM OR KILL THEM?

mj is definitely an alien fucker (if the alien looks like venom) but i don’t think she’d welcome them as much as hide out until she knows they’re not looking to probe slash maim her. 

IF THERE’S A HELL, DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING THERE?

she is catholic. yes.

WHAT’S THE MEANEST THING THAT YOU EVER HOPED HAPPENED TO SOMEONE?

mj wishes for people’s deaths on a daily basis. probably wished for slow ones for m*tch and s*ra though. 

WOULD YOU RATHER EAT A CHUNK OF A HUMAN HEART OR AN ENTIRE HUMAN EYE?

eyes are gucky. heart for sure.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO CONTACT A SPIRIT WITH AN OUIJA BOARD?

do you even know her? there’s no way that this bitch hasn’t rolled up to a cemetery with a ouija board in clutch. #ghostfucker

IF THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTED ITSELF, WOULD YOU WATCH YOUR CRUSH GET UNDRESSED THROUGH THEIR WINDOW?

ask her again in 2 weeks when her crush is zach and fair is fair…

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE SEX WITH ELDERLY PEOPLE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE OR NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN?

isn’t that already what she’s doing? but… naw. she’d never have sex again. the allure of the Older Man is entirely based on her first relationship and the adrenaline she gets from such stupid, idiotic situations. she doesn’t have an old person fetish. 

HAVE YOU EVER MASTURBATED WHILE SOMEONE ELSE WAS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU?

pippa, i’m so sorry… jk! do pets count? jk, again. she kicks rusty out.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD THE URGE TO JUMP IN FRONT OF A CAR?

every fucking day.

IF YOU WITNESSED A MURDER, WOULD YOU GO TO THE COPS OR KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT?

ACAB…

WHAT’S THE CREEPIEST THING YOU’VE EVER DONE WHEN YOU HAD A CRUSH ON SOMEONE?

stalk them for an hour or two. don’t worry about it. 

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DREAM ABOUT DYING?

only the good ones.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DREAM ABOUT KILLING SOMEONE?

only the good ones.

IF YOU WERE ASKED TO FILM A NEW HORROR MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE PLOT BE?

some really basic slasher where the final girl turns into the final boss.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A GHOST, A SPACESHIP, OR ANYTHING ELSE YOU COULDN’T RATIONALLY EXPLAIN?

she’s dumb not stupid.

IF YOU KILLED SOMEONE, HOW WOULD YOU GET RID OF THE BODY?

she’s literature smart, not science smart. she’d probably wind up just burying whomsoever in the woods… cover them with leaves. she’s not strong enough to move them to a secondary location, though. it’s a pickle.

IF YOU CAME BACK AS A GHOST, WHOSE LIFE WOULD YOU MAKE A LIVING HELL?

mitch. sera. mitch. sera. smitch.

WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE AN ARM HACKED OFF OR A LEG?

who is she… juli? arm. 

IF YOU COULD ASK THE DEVIL A QUESTION, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

“can you slice and dice my father pretty please”

[england-kirkland-bottoms]

Making America Jealous Story 1

Supposed to be a short drabble like the other ones. I had too much fun writing it out *sweatdrop* Anyway, I didn’t write out any smut scenes but if you want to read tell me and I ‘ll post it some other time! Well have fun reading!

Endearing. Sweet. Bubbly. That’s how he would describe America in their relationship if someone were to ask and truth be told, England craves for a little bit more in their relationship. He loves America, he always does. He had love the boy since the day he found the young nation at the field till this very day. Albeit it changed from platonic to a romantic.

Their relationship...is cute. Hell, even sex with the American country was vanilla.

Yes, England is very much aware that he is complaining but he craves for a little bit of excitement once in awhile. Though he had no idea on how to bring their relationship to a little bit of detour from the sweet, cheesy romantic path.

“Yo, Arthur!”

He heard someone yell his human name and he stopped walking, turning his head around towards the direction where the voice came from. To his surprise it was the ex-nation running his way, waving his hands like a lunatic. “Gilbert.” England wondered what the ex-nation could be doing here in London.

“Man, we haven’t gone drinking for a long time. Let’s go have an awesome drink at an awesome pub!” Prussia immediately slung an over England’s shoulders.

“Ah, I’d rather not.” England frowned, it was a sudden invitation but then again when did Prussia ever do things normally?

Prussia groaned, and started walking. Dragging the Briton along with him. “Nope, no objections!” He said, taking a page out of America’s book. “Let’s go singing! We can go to this karaoke place I just found, they serve liquor too so we can get smash and sing!” He whooped and ignored the protests coming from England.

Eventually England sighed and stopped protesting when they had already entered the place Prussia was bringing him to. Realizing it was useless. America was coming to visit and had finished his work rather early. It was just a coincidence that Prussia was in the vicinity for whatever odd reason he just could not be bothered to figure out. He took out his mobile phone and texted his American lover.

You know where the spare key is. Prussia dragged me to a karaoke bar. I will be back home at 23:00 p.m. Here’s the address if you decide to drop by instead.

Xx xxxxx, xxxxxxx xxxxx

He pressed the sent button and put it away. Might as well enjoy himself since he was already here. “Everything is on you since you forcefully dragged me here.” He said pointedly to Prussia.

“No problem! Everything’s going into West’s tab!” Prussia grinned, already handing the credit card to pay for the room and the drinks he had ordered while England was distracted.

England shook his head slightly, only pitying Germany a tad.

“Well, come on! Don’t keep the awesome me waiting.” Prussia dragged the Brit towards the room they were given.

A smirk appeared on England’s lips, hanging out alone with Prussia will always bring back his younger self. More specifically both of their younger self during their punk phase. The time that they both had been incredibly close to each other.

Several drinks later...

“England, you’re drunk.” Prussia said in amusement, he himself was tipsy though England was obviously worse. England can never hold his liquor well. “Your turn by the way.” He handed the microphone to England as the next song started to play.

“Shut up, you wanker.” England scoffed, pouring for himself more liquor and drank it down. They had abandoned the punk genre a few songs ago and had even started singing songs from other countries.

Well, Prussia had mostly been singing England’s as there was no other options. It was so unawesome. Ignoring the logic that they were in fact in London.  Prussia whistled at the title of the song. “Dang, man. Give a good show for the awesome Prussia!” Raising up the excitement.

England, being drunk, smirked. He had already off with his stuffy clothes, the vest and coat strewn on the sofa. Leaving him in a half unbuttoned white dress shirt and rolled up sleeved. And pants. A very snug, fitting pants. His trousers laying on the sofa with the rest of his clothes. The room was kept dark so that no one would notice his state of undress.

Prussia had turned off the lights before he was tipsy and England already showing signs of being drunk from his cockney accent.

England took the microphone and started singing along though as the song goes, he started deviate from the original lyrics, changing it slightly. Swaying along to the teasing in a teasing manner as he strode over towards Prussia. The alcohol convincing him to tease the ex-nation.

I know what you wants is to get my love

You wish we could be just like Johnny and June

You'd cut out my heart and let me in the room

 Prussia gulped, suddenly feeling nervous when England threw him a saucy smile. His green eyes glinting with mischief. ‘Uh oh.’ He thought to himself.

 And you know you, you should quit this

And you'd do it if you could

I’m a hot mess, but you confessed

Damn, I got you good

 England leaned forward and let the microphone dropped on to the sofa before straddling his companion, his lips still singing along to the song. His hands both on Prussia’s shoulder. He smirked and leaned even closer, whispering the second line teasingly into the stunned ex-nation’s ear.

Despite the loud music, Prussia could clearly hear the ex-empire singing due to their closeness. He shivered involuntarily at the warm breath on his ear. The Briton was too seductive when he wants to be. He had forgotten how the Brit could get like this sometimes.

England rolled his hips against Prussia as he sang the fourth line after pulling back slightly, licking his lips as he stared into the red eyes that was looking at him with a sense of smug.

 'Cause you love them bad boys doin' bad things

Lookin' hot with an attitude

Love them bad boys like a bad dream

Shouldn't want me, but you do

Singin'

All the bad boys singin'

Yeah, all the bad boys singin'

And you can't help it, no

Damn, it feels good when you're messin' with a bad boy

 England’s hands trailed down from the shoulders to the arms and brought them to touch his bare thighs. The drunken nation returned the smug smile when the other was taken by surprise at the implied permission to touch.

Prussia caressed the soft thighs, he had not touched the Briton for decades and truth be told the sight of the cheeks flushing from the influence of alcohol was getting him worked up. He had not planned for things to go this way but he was not about to reject a permission to some touching...and exploring.

England leant forward, hands touching the sofa, and swayed his hips along to the notes from the song still playing then his hips moved an array of rolls. Lips singing the song in the most seductive way. Gradually he leant back, wrapping his left hand around Prussia’s neck and waved her body against Prussia followed with a shimmy.

  Got a body like a fast car, movie star

You'd do anything to be my bodyguard

I like gettin' naked and swimmin' in pools

I make it look sexy to break all the rules

Falling too fast, you might crash

But once you go in bad you know you can't go back

You just wanna watch every way that I move

 Prussia enjoyed the sensual pleasure going through him. Feeling drunk and intoxicated from the lust England was exuding when the Englishman started grinding down on him in a tantalizing sway. He growled faintly as his hands gripped on the waist.

England pulled away slightly and took pleasure as Prussia’s eyes followed his movement, singing the third line to the third verse, he unbuttoned more of his dress shirt and let it dropped down from his shoulders though he did not took it off. Knowing the delectable view it made to have it halfway dropped down to his elbow.

The hypnotizing lips came close to Prussia’s own as he leant down closer once again. He could almost feel those lips moving against his as England sang though it was probably just his minds illusion. It does not matter, as England had trailed those lips along his jaw and once again whispered the lyric of the song into his ear. “Watch every way that I move.” Prussia’s breathing hitched as one of England’s hands brushed over the tent that started forming since England started the show.

“England.” He croaked, bucking his hips up though that was all he managed before the door to their room was burst open violently and England jumped off the ex-nation.

England sobered up almost instantly. “America.”

The super nation looked anything but pleased by the situation. “England.” He said calmly, the waves of anger carefully suppressed. “We’re going back, put on your clothes. Now!” He then glared at the ex-nation and pointed out the door without glancing away. “And you. OUT!”

“America, dude, totally unawesome. I was about to get some.” Prussia complained, trying to ignore the waves of anger that America was having difficulties controlling.

“From MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND! If you know what’s good for you, you better fucking  leave you fuck.” He growled, his hands balling into a fist.

Red eyes widened, he had not known that. He gulped and glanced over at the Brit, which proved to be the wrong thing to do as he was suddenly thrown out the tiny room. “Mein Gott, America! I’ll leave, I’ll leave!” He said before scrambling off.

America turned back to his now fully dressed lover, who now supported a guilty expression. He strode over to the older nation and gripped his arms tightly, unintentionally harsh though he ignored the pained wince as he dragged the English out of the place. His grip not lessening until they got to America’s ride.

England could not say anything, knowing he was at fault.

America literally threw him into the front seat of the car before closing the door and climbing in to the driver’s seat. He did not spoke a word the entire drive back to England’s house, though the anger was clear in his blue eyes and furrowed brows.

England had never seen America looking like that and despite everything, the fear and worry, it excites him.

“Out.” America said, parking the car easily outside the house. He climbed out and went to drag England that was moving distastefully slow. “Hurry the fuck up.” He gritted his teeth.

“America, just now...” England was cut off from saying his next words as his breath was knocked out of him when he was carelessly slammed against the nearest wall once they entered the abode. His back and head throbbed painfully.

America pinned both of England’s hands above him, kicking the door close. “Don’t even try to justify yourself, England. You were cheating, there is no other words for it.”

“I was not!” England protested, squirming around. The tight grip on his wrists was painful. “Fucking hell, I was drunk America!”

“Not a good enough excuse.” America tightened his grip, knowing that it hurts. “Do you want to know, how I see it?” He questioned, pressing the wrists even harder against wall painfully and England whined at the pain. America ignored it. “I had to convince the bitch at the front table to tell your room number and then paid for my entry. All the other rooms were all light up but imagine yours were dark. Then you know what I see when I peered into the tiny glass on the door to confirm that I did not get the wrong room?” He seethed. “MY BOYFRIEND STRADDLING A BLOODY FUCKER!”

England flinched at the volume of America’s voice.

“I was so shocked and then you had to just fucking PALM HIM DID YOU, YOU SLUT!” Spewing the last words, America pressed their lips together. Teeth clashed against teeth as he mauled England’s mouth.

England felt his knees weakening from the heady pleasure that shot down through him at the possessive and authoritative behaviour America was showing. He was aroused by it. More so than when he was teasing Prussia before, that was amusing but this...America being jealous and possessive was arousing. Soon after, he responded just as desperately into the kiss. The hands that had been pinning on his had let go and instead tearing apart the Briton’s clothes before sliding down the bare skin. Then those rough hands settled over his ass. He groaned as those hands started to grope him roughly.

America pulled away from England’s lips and trailed kissed along the jaw and bit the Brit’s left ear. “You’re mine.” He growled in an undertone.

“Yours.” England agreed, moaning lowly. “Yours, oh god, Alfred.” He whimpered America’s human name as the super nation teased him further.

“We’ll have to make sure of that, don’t we?” America whispered in his ear, making it clear to England that it was going to be a long, rough night.

And he shivered in delight anticipation.

[renaroo]

The Search (15/16)

Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth. Warnings: Language, Canon-typical violence, Psychological manipulation and trauma Rating: T Synopsis: [Canon Divergence - Alternate S15] The Reds and Blues saved Chorus, but it has been a year and they are still missing. A motley crew has been gathered with the common goal of finding the war heroes, though the road is more troubled than anyone seems to realize.

A/N: Oh my gosh. We only have one chapter left to this installment! I have had such a good time writing this series, even if it’s way past the ending of the actual season, it’s been such a grand relief to get to put a vision of where the series could have gone down for myself. And, if it weren’t obvious before, I plan on continuing the grand tradition with Season 16, following this particular storyline. Though that’s long in the future where I’m concerned. 

Special thanks to @secretlystephaniebrown, @analiarvb, DisneyFreak-Lover, Mayhem21, and Yin for the comments and feedback!

Sanctuary

No one could carry a ridiculous number of floral arrangements and Get Well balloons by splitting a hospital’s hallways like the Red Sea unless they were Private Kaikaina Grif.

That was some biblical shit she was closing on her way to her first but far from last stop on her morning trip. And she really didn’t have any intention of stopping before that first destination, but fuck if she was lucky enough to be stopped by any voice calling her name.

In that case the voice belonged to Doctor Grey and not the security guards who got all pissy when she used frisky as a well placed pun and a valid threat to report directly to the Presigeneral.

And despite herself, Kai still felt some kind of way for everyone who helped her find her brother. Even Grey.

“Private Grif! I am so glad you came in this morning!” Grey said gleefully as she caught up with Kai. She slowed as she grew near. “And… oh my! I can… Well, you certainly have a colorful arrangement here.”

Pursing her lips in a pout, Kaikaina squinted at Grey. “Dude. Are you insulting someone who’s colorblind?” she demanded with a huff.

Grey seemed genuinely surprised by Kai’s defensiveness. “Oh… Why no! Of course not,” she answered quickly. After a thoughtful pause, however, Grey raised an eyebrow to Kai. “But surely colorblindness would not explain why one of those balloons has Happy Birthday and another Congratulations.”

“Dude, do you know how hard it is to get the same thing over ten times! Every time I started to walk out of the store I remembered there was another Red or Blue I hadn’t gotten things for,” Kaikaina huffed. “I don’t see you getting floral arrangements!”

“You’re right, I have been rather busy… saving their lives and keeping them healthy by overseeing my hospital staff,” Grey answered in a voice that was almost saccharine.

“Dude, Doctor Grey Medicine Woman, you’re gettin’ saucy on me. I kinda like it,” Kai joked before reshuffling the arrangements. “Ugh. Sorry. I’ve got, like, a lot of shit to hand out, and I don’t know if you noticed yet, but these assholes are so whiny about not getting attention every second. I bet you Caboose and Tucker are going to bitch about how I betrayed Blue Team by visiting my brother first and all that shit. And then messing with the gross old man? There’s so much bad blood there. And I don’t mean like the screechy blondie’s kind of bad blood. I mean the real kind of bad blood. Like in high school. Where we’d cut holes in our nails to scalp each other during lunchroom fights.”

“Yes, you’ve illustrated with that example before,” Grey assured her. “I found it just as concerning when you last mentioned it as I find it now.”

“Okay, cool. I’ll spare you the details of what I did to this fucker Amber in the ninth grade then, later,” Kai quipped rather abruptly, turning to make her way down the halls.

Again, however, she was stalled, as Doctor Grey grabbed a hold of her shoulder and forced Kai to look at her. Kaikaina did so, but only with the world’s most undeniable groan of contempt.

“You do have a lot of things, Private Grif… Kaikaina. Please, let me help you,” Grey requested. “I would like to visit my friends as… well, their friend and not their physician, too. Especially when things got so close and… well, could have turned out so much worse.”

Nose curling a bit, Kai puffed out her lip. “Yeah. Ya mighta actually, y’know, given them up and betrayed them behind their backs and all that shit. Hate for you to have to go through with that little plan of yours and the Presigeneral’s.”

A tired look came to Grey’s eyes almost immediately, but somehow her smile maintained. If anything, it seemed even more honest. A bit more pained. “You’re right. That would have been among the worst outcomes that could have happened. It was one I dreaded more… well, sometimes I dreaded it even more than perhaps being too late to save any of them.”

“Dude, having some bullshit guilt woulda been worse to you than my brother dying? For fucking real?” Kai scoffed. “For the record, I thought about it since our little ship talk. And yeah. I was totally there to save Dex… but I was also there because I knew it was more than Dex. Could you imagine what it’d be like for us to lose anyone? Could you imagine what it’d be like for the ones we saved when they learned that we couldn’t save the others? Saving Dex was the start for me. But it wasn’t ever gonna be enough. Not for me. And I kinda was hoping at the end of the day it wouldn’t be enough for anybody else, too.” She couldn’t help but let her annoyed, angered expression fold into the real disappointment and betrayal she was feeling instead. “Guess I was hoping a li’l too hard that we were all a bit more Re and Blue than we ended up being. Fucking story of my life.”

“Kaikaina, it’s just as I said to you before. There’s no defense for the indefensible. And I won’t waste either of our time by even so much as trying to do so,” Grey assured her. “And my guilt would have not been enough to amend for actions I was fully willing to take for the good of my planet. But those types of sacrifices are simply the ones we all have to be willing to make. Personally. Which… Well, which is why the part of the plan I didn’t confide with you on was what would happen once Chorus disavowed its relationship with the Reds and Blues,” she continued.

Raising an eyebrow, Kai looked the doctor over. “What’d’ya mean?”

“I mean, I didn’t tell you that… I was never going to stop being with the search team. I was never going to personally turn on the Reds and Blues. That was the backup plan for Kimball and Chorus,” Grey explained. “I was staying with you — all of you. And consider myself, well, one of the Reds and Blues. It meant I was forfeiting my ability to come home to Chorus for any foreseeable future but, darn it, it was worth it. And hopefully if I stood by you all long enough and paid my penance by making it up to you all as the best friend and doctor I could be, then I could redeem such a decision. Either way. I was going to stay with the only people who had ever truly made me, someone who has always been quite the outcast, feel like I had somewhere to belong.”

Despite herself, Kaikaina looked at the doctor with some amazement. “Wow, Doc. That’s almost kinda cool. Except. You can’t be a Red and Blue you have to be a Red or a Blue. It’s how it works. We have, like, different bases and everything.”

“I couldn’t be a neutral medical officer?” Grey teased.

“I guess, but the last one turned out to be kind of a perv and also, like, the main bad dude for a little while? So it’s got some baggage,” she admitted. “But, considering the circumstances, I guess you could play the part if you want.”

Some light returned to Grey’s eyes at the passing approval. “Thank you, Kaikaina.”

“Yeah, dude, whatever, you said you were gonna help me hand out these stupid plants and balloons, right?” she asked, already pouring half of them over into Grey’s arms.

“Oh! Well, yes — I, uh. Yes. I’ll carry all of these,” Grey responded, rather flustered.

“Sweet,” Kai snickered. “By the way, Doc, I was just giving you a hard time. You’ve been off the rap since you saved the reporter lady. To be honest, I just like watching you sweat. No one else worries about my opinion so much. Maybe Wash. But that’s just ‘cuz of my ability to sniff out a sting before the undercover cop gets his johnnies satisfied. I call it the Grif Tease. You can see it sometimes when my brother’s making bedroom eyes with Lanky Shortstop Dude.”

“Agent Washington isn’t actually a police officer,” Grey attempted to correct her.

“Dude’s totes a cop. You see how much he wants to cop a feel, heyoooo, no really though, I have him wrapped around my finger and he doesn’t even know it yet,” Kai snorted. “It’s awesome.”

“If you say so,” Grey hummed in response just as they reached the first stop.

“BIG BRO!” Kai screamed out happily the moment they were through the door.

Being Space Jesus didn’t get Junior as much mileage with humans as it had with his own species, but a few growls and snaps of his jowls had been more than enough to make sure the staff didn’t impede on his self-declared right to stay by his father’s side in the hospital room.

For his part, Junior’s father had been uncharacteristically quiet, even when the attractive nurse had earned a Bow Chicka Honk Honk from Junior, his father had missed out. And in that way, it was the first time since they saved his father that Junior was genuinely concerned that things were not okay.

Sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chair at his father’s bedside, chins laying against the bedsheets while he looked up woefully toward his father’s distant gaze, Junior began to think about all that they had seen before. He thought about the horrors of prison world, the visceral reaction which Washington had had at the notion that Junior’s father and the rest of his family were being made subject to some kind of sick modifications.

All of it seemed to add up to a darkness and hurt that Junior was not old or experienced enough to understand yet for himself. He was, after all, a fifth grader, and outside of knowing that his father was hurting, he felt completely useless to do anything really about it.

His dad was exhausted — all of the Reds and Blues were — on IVs and getting extra rations spread out through the day to regain muscle mass and lots of bedrest and sleep to make up for what their brains had missed while they were with Hargrove. But there was something sadder to Junior’s father’s silence. A stewing anger that reminded Junior of the burst of aggression he had shown right before killing Hargrove and saving both Junior and Miss Andrews.

Really, it made Junior’s dad the hero he always knew his dad to be.

But in another sense, it seemed to be causing the kind of frightening deep reflection on himself that Junior was unaccustomed to seeing.

And it only became more apparent when the door opened to President Kimball herself, a security detail by her side.

“Oh!!! Captain Tucker! Captain Tucker! I’m glad you’re awake!” the one Junior was beginning to recognize as Palomo called out gleefully. Which was something he did rather frequently when coming around them, Junior learned.

Finally, an expression other than brooding crossed his father’s face and he looked to Kimball almost pleadingly. “Palomo? Really?”

“You trained a good soldier,” Kimball responded before waving to the guards behind her. “Lieutenants, please stay outside and guard the door, I need to get counsel from my friend.”

With a bit of fluster, the guards did so, and Kimball approached Tucker’s bed.

“My, they really meant it when they said you wouldn’t leave your father’s side,” Kimball said, looking Junior’s way as he raised his head. “That sort of loyalty is a fine feature, young man. I hope you maintain it for all your years. It is a very, very valued trait.”

Junior clicked his mandibles together and sat back in his chair, but made it clear he was not leaving.

“Hey, don’t be rude,” his father said, sounding the closest to normal that he had since they arrived on Chorus. It was enough to warm Junior’s cold blooded heart. Then his father looked seriously toward Kimball. “How’s everyone doing?”

“Feeling more like themselves as far as I can tell,” Kimball assured him. “Fortunately none of you were in critical conditions save for the reporter. It’s strange. Your bodies seemed to be suffering from exposure rather than anything else. Agent Washington seems to believe that it comes from something else controlling a nervous system and interrupting the direct line of control from your consciousness to your own muscles. In fact, he seemed rather insistent on that being the cause.”

“Sounds like whatever was happening to the Meta,” Tucker Senior huffed. “Y’know, except none of us are gorilla body builders. So it sucked more.” He trailed off before glancing back to Kimball. “Where is Wash, anyway? Still visiting Caboose? He usually is bothering me again by now.”

“I believe he is actually getting lunch with Agent Carolina,” Kimball answered. “There… are many things we all need to be discussing. Serious matters.”

“Almost dying felt pretty serious at the time,” his father joked flatly.

Not happy with that brand of humor, Junior turned his head toward his father and clicked his jaws angrily at him, bearing his teeth in frustration. He would gladly travel the whole universe on their little ship again to find his father and family again, but he wasn’t so keen on reliving the moments where everyone was getting shot and stabbed. That seemed unnecessary.

“Calm down,” his father attempted to soothe. When Junior slumped down in the chair, his father gave his full attention to Kimball again. “So that reporter lady is going to be okay?”

“More than that, she’s going against resting orders and trying to write an entire exposé on all of you, on Chorus, and on Chairman Hargrove. In all honesty, her intensity is… concerning on some levels. I’ve rarely had someone so adamant on interrogating me from a hospital bed. Not since you and I first met, in any case.”

“Sounds like someone I’d like,” Tucker admitted.

Kimball let out a sigh and crossed her arms. “It’s the other additional patient and the complications he adds to all of this mess that has me truly concerned. Even if he is who he says he is and can provide us with the connections to the UNSC that he claims that he can,” she explained.

“The mercenary?” Tucker asked. “I don’t trust him. Or like him. Or hate him. Honestly I’m fuzzy on him, but Wash and Carolina said he knew Felix so… Piece of shit in my book.”

“But if he truly is an undercover agent for the UNSC and he can straighten things out for Chorus and for all of you, it would be to our advantage to keep him alive… for now,” Kimball admitted.

“And if he’s lying?” Tucker raised his eyebrow.

“Then you will be the most wanted man in space,” Kimball declared. “You did murder the most powerful man in the UNSC and the arms trade underworld with a weapon that only you can wield.”

“Blargh,” Junior chastised his father.

“Well, fucking great,” his father groaned, sinking back against his pillow. “Do we have good news?”

“You have a friend in Chorus no matter the outcome, I am willing to give all of you asylum here,” she assured him. “Of course, such a brave stance to make is much easier when you’re contacted by friends in high places.” She finally turned her gaze on Junior, much to his surprise. “Which is where you come in my young friend.”

Junior blinked and pointed at his chest. “Blargh?”

“If Santa properly translated the message we received through all of the newly opened tower portals on Chorus… then yes, little one. Chorus’ new alliance with Sangheilios is all in thanks to you and your people’s decision to stand by their religion and their chosen one. It is the first of hopefully many independent bodies who would be willing to put their support behind Chorus against the UNSC’s overreach.”

To that, Junior could only blink again, still pointing at his chest. “Blargh?”

“Yes, you,” his father laughed affectionately, reaching forward and rubbing Junior’s head with his hand. “Of course my kid’s special enough that entire planets would fight for him. That’s just the logical thing for planets to do!” His smile became a little wobbly for a moment. “Next to lewd comments, fighting for son’s the only thing I can do that’s strong enough to get me out of a trance.”

Junior’s eyes grew blurry with tears and he cooed lovingly despite his father’s depreciating comments. Then he lunged forward to hug his dad as tight as he could.

Kimball kept a respectable distance, but she laid a gentle hand on Tucker Senior’s shoulder, as if to prove her solidarity.

“All of you, the Reds and Blues, are easily the strongest men and women I know,” Kimball assured him softly.

Junior didn’t need to hear that from Kimball to know it, but he was glad she said it for his dad to hear all the same. There was a lot behind his brooding and silence that Junior was afraid had only just begun.

[jillmckenzie1]

We All Suck at Dating

A common lead question in the world of online dating is: “What are you looking for?”

Aside from being a grammatical nightmare, this question poses its own set of anxiety-ridden answers. Because how hard in the paint do you really go in response to this question when you’re on the third line of a burgeoning digital transaction? The words that your thumbs manage to string together will inevitably become the foundation for any further communication (or lack thereof).

Sidebar. Dude, didn’t you read my bio? It clearly states, “Looking for a real life human with whom to do rad things. Sucker for good teeth, nice calves, and witty banter. Here for the shirtless gym selfies (you guys, it’s a joke).” Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

My typical response to the aforementioned question goes something like this: “Surely not looking to get laid off an app. And absolutely not interested in receiving dick pics. Would be great to find a real-life male with whom to do cool shit who also believes in hand-holding, ass-grabbing, Netflix binge-watching, and tag-team Whole Foods shopping.”

Once upon a time, I had a younger guy respond to this answer: “But does our age difference bother you?”

Cough. Cough. He clearly wasn’t aware of my subconscious bias towards younger men.

I replied, “Age is a number. Maturity is a barometer for compatibility. Why? Were you simply trying to send dick pics?”

*unmatch*

I’m sorry, WUT?! Respectable people say goodbye, or they’re not interested, or that they don’t find my humor to be as amusing as I do; they do not just act like [insert desired superlative here] and vanish into thin air (as if I wrote the book on this stuff or something).

Here’s the point. By all means, unmatch me. I don’t give any number of fucks about our premature termination of conversation. The guy I choose is going to choose me in return. He’s going to laugh at the fact that I attempt to turn him on by mentioning that I always return my shopping carts. He’s going to send me memes and screenshots of tiny houses. He’s going to share my affinity towards Mexican food and ask me for my LinkedIn profile instead of my SnapChat handle, and he’ll really mean it when he says that he’s not in search of a booty call.

At the end of the day, I have zero interest in entertaining a guilt-free ghoster. The issue here is the action. Because dammit, it’s hard enough out there. Can’t we all just play by some unstated rules that, at the very least, are governed by the premise of honesty?

I know. It’s asking a lot.

 But that brings me to my next point. About dating. We all suck at it. Yes, all of us. I’m actually quite amazed by how many of us seek to individually claim this title from every rooftop, blog post, and digital message warehouse. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just don’t think there’s anything unique about it.

We. All. Suck.

A small bit of evidence exists in our mutual affection towards Netflix and chill. I’ve seen enough dating profiles in these last few years to make one overarching and absolutely assertive statement: when given the choice, we’ll all opt for a night spent on the couch in sweatpants eating ice cream with our dog over any nightclub and party scenario. Seriously, I have yet to encounter any male in the digital stratosphere who prefers the latter.

Because, in my humble opinion, no one wants to find his or her significant other in a bar. Absolutely not. For some, sure, the bar provides a perfect backdrop for the infamous one-night stand; I’m quasi-drunk and you’re quasi-cute (could be up for debate in the morning), so in the words of Marvin Gaye, “Let’s get it on.”

But a match–someone who challenges us and makes our lives a whole hell of a lot better (even on the worst days)–yeah, we’re not walking into any bars with the expectation of finding a soulmate.

And, despite our current aversion to commitment that is fueled by our unrelenting fear of missing out alongside our limitless access to infinite information and individuals, we do want a soulmate. Not because we believe in this antiquated ideology that only one person was made for us. No, millennials don’t walk into this world with the Shakespearian belief that compatibility is reserved for a single Romeo and his Juliet.

We more appropriately approach the definition of “soulmates” as two people who show up to participate in a revolutionized companionship. We are a generation that fully understands the power of choice, and we want to exercise this right romantically as much as we want to frequent farmer’s markets in lieu of spending our dollars at chain grocery stores. We believe in making ourselves whole, as individuals, in order to more powerfully stand beside someone who is doing the same. So, we choose ourselves as the catalyst to choose our other.

And yet, even inside of this space of a beautiful and raw and authentic desire to find a forever partner-in-crime, we’re still ghosting and we’re still sending dick pics. I’m sorry, rescind. We’re still sending dick videos. Yes, apparently, I graduated into some upper echelon of male debauchery.

Let me expand. A guy who I sparingly chatted with months ago decided to Snap me one lonely night in February (if you don’t know what “Snapping” is, keep it that way). I opened the video (which is the extent of my SnapChat proficiencies), and bam, hello, hi. My brain immediately hit overdrive as I considered throwing my phone 23 feet across the entirety of my Airstream.

I’m sorry, I haven’t spoken to you since November – neither did any previous conversation incite such ridiculous swapping of privates – and I’m now supposed to be the proud recipient of your amateur x-rated video?! Please, no. PLEASE NO.

Of course, I fired back something saucy (as if I’m going to save the world one indecent digital exposure at a time). And in the spirit of true chivalry (insert massive eyeroll here), he said that it was a mistake: “Wrong Stephanie.”

I actually can’t even (read: bull-fucking-shit).

But my potential diatribe inside an app that was literally designed to delete user history wouldn’t be saving anyone. My only hope at such a stage is the block feature because, at the end of the day, I simply don’t have time for this nonsense. Much like I don’t have time for the old flame (think college) who thought it was cute to slide into my DMs with questions about the kind of underwear I happened to be wearing. Or, the fact that exhibit B continues to patronize me with pet names (even after we established, months ago, that a romantic relationship between us would simply be settling).

Newsflash: y’all aren’t cute. YOU ALL ARE NOT CUTE.

And around we go, hiding behind our phone screens because we want the one (or at least one of the viable ones) to drop into our lives with the same level of excitement experienced by teenagers across America when Usher finally released his third studio album, 8701.

If you ask me, the going around is getting quite old. In fact, my motion sickness is at an all-time high. In the metaphor, I’m projectile vomiting out the back passenger-side window. Don’t ask me who’s driving. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m not puking alone.

Fact one. We’re drowning in our individual and collective nausea without any idea of how to stop the damn car. Or, at very least, slow it down. And we sure as hell don’t know where it’s going.

Fact two. Together, we are more powerful than the driver. But I’m not sure if we believe that (yet), and if we do believe it, I’m not sure that we know how to take control of the wheel (yet).

Because I would hate for us to resign ourselves to the fact that this whole dating thing is out of our control. I would hate for our desire of depth to become clouded by our habitual superficiality. I would hate for us to throw away our integrity in the name of conformity.

And I write this to us because I write this to myself. Plot twist, people. I, too, suck at dating. My judgment of those without an inkling of digital wit is embarrassingly high. It is standard issue for me to ghost anyone who resorts to asking me about my day within the first 24 hours of communication.

We just met. It’s fine. My day was fine. Am I supposed to tell you what I ate for lunch? Or about the conversation that I had with my mom? Or the hours I spent browsing Amazon for a new duvet cover?

Seriously, ask me anything else. And, please, I beg you, be funny. And charming (but not too charming). Our future depends on it.

Case in point. In a land far, far away, some guy asked me if I’d ever seen a movie titled La Strada. Clearly, not English. My answer was (and still is) no.

He wrote, “It’s foreign, so you have to be okay with subtitles.”

Well, no shit.

Me: “Great, I learned to read at a young age and quickly surpassed all of my peers, so this is promising.”

*crosses fingers and begs for a witty response*

His reply: “I like that answer. I need someone confident in what sets them apart.”

No dice.

*waves white flag*

I surrender. I absolutely surrender.

And by “surrender,” I mean that I simply fell off the face of the planet, never to associate with this poor guy (who probably had zero interest in sending a dick pic, let alone a dick video) ever again.

I just didn’t have it in me to push through in hopes of unearthing my very own Steve Carrell.

I’ll give you ten minutes. Make ‘em count. Effortlessly get me to laugh out loud, and I’ll strongly consider fraternizing as real-life people.

Hold up. Real. Life. People.

Yes, let’s be very clear, any digital union that transpires in human-to-human interaction is call for a good old-fashioned golf clap. Because it’s an anomaly by anyone’s standards.

So here we are. Together. Meandering through the airwaves and the land mines. Motion sick beyond measure. And I’d like to believe that we’re not helpless here, so my challenge is that we take control of the car. My challenge is that we align our actions and our words. Because there is nothing sexier than honesty. And honesty–honesty will save us. Also, humor. But mostly honesty.

We must be able to articulate for who or what we are looking. It is a common lead question because it is the question. It provides the foundation for action and expectation so, to revisit my initial commentary, we should go as hard in the paint as humanly possible (think Zion Williamson type shenanigans) in our responses. Because this answer allows us to proceed in a space where vulnerability is safe–whether we both swiped right in a sea of digital profiles or, quite literally, ran into each other in the singles line of our favorite chairlift.

You do not have to be in the search for serious. But you do owe the community your truth. The power is in your voice. And please, for the love of all things beautiful, let’s commit to considerate farewells that make “ghosting” so 2018 (as in, bye).

Speaking of bye and the singles line and chairlifts, I had to text my ex-boyfriend the other day to get back my second key fob for the entrance to my RV park

I refuse to pay the $20 for a replacement, okay. Judge me.

It had been nearly a month of not communicating, so you can surmise that it was a conversation that I’d been consciously avoiding. To be honest, I had stubbornly supported the idea that he should contact me first.

Obviously, unsuccessful.

So I spent hours typing and re-typing and then re-re-typing some ridiculous message that started with a Nugget update and ended with, “Oh yea, I need that key fob back.” I then spent hours deciphering and re-deciphering and then re-re-deciphering his response: “No problem. I’ll bring it to work and you can swing by one day and grab it when you’re done riding.” Please note, there is nothing cryptic here.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous to, once again, look our honesty in the eye. Our ease had existed in our shared interest of doing the work. We had used our voices. And we both believed in the power of a considerate farewell. Also, laughing, there was lots of laughing.

For all intents and purposes, we were great. Apparently, our timing was not.

I’m reminding myself that, at the very least, this relationship taught me that there is hope for our collective whole to be better. It was the catalyst for me to shed an intense layer of distasteful cynicism. And for that, I can willingly embrace the uncomfortable.

It’s just two minutes. It’s just a key fob.

 Dating. It’s still a game of numbers. And we simply need to, in all of our honesty, keep showing up.

Together, we can stop the suck.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/we-all-suck-at-dating/

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

Your Friend Till the End: All of the CHUCKY Films Ranked From Best to Worst

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Your Friend Till the End: All of the CHUCKY Films Ranked From Best to Worst

The latest Chucky movie, Cult of Chucky, has been released to the horror delight of the killer doll’s many, many fans. It’s been a long road to get to seven movies. While it’s natural for any long running film series to experiment and change tones from one chapter to another, it’s hard to think another that has evolved as much as Child’s Play.

So, how successful has the Child’s Play/Chucky series been through the decades in adapting itself to the times and garnering fans across generations? To find out, let’s rank and analyze the series from the original trilogy; Bride of Chucky, Seed of Chucky, and Curse of Chucky, and expand outward as we look from the Best of Chucky to his very worst…

  6) Seed of Chucky (2004)

It’s time for a lesson in the unintended consequence of unprotected doll sex. More than that though, Seed of Chucky is a lesson about how you can sometimes take the joke too far. Seemingly drunk with success following Bride, writer/director Don Mancini leaned hard into the changes he made to the series: more jokes and more winks to the audience to make sure they were in on those jokes.

So where did it go so horribly wrong? Like a lot of entries in long-running series, Chucky seemed to forget what it was all about, and tried to be about everything. Suddenly, this series was a Hollywood satire as the “I.R.L.” Jennifer Tilly is starring in some kind of film based on the in-movie murder spree/urban legend of the Chucky and Tiffany dolls. It’s also a family sitcom about Chucky and Tiffany reuniting with their child, Glen, and trying to be a “normal” non-murderous family with hilarious, counter-productive results.

Glen is possibly the best part of the film. A kind-hearted Pinocchio figure with the voice of Billy Boyd, Glen is tortured and enslaved as a ventriloquist dummy named “Shithead” until he sees his parents on TV and makes a break for it. Glen doesn’t want to kill, he can’t even swat a fly, but Glenda, you see, can. Yes, in a painful homage to Edward D. Wood Jr., Glen has split-personality as the female Glenda, who is every inch the homicidal maniac her parents are.

The new family dynamic might have given the Chucky series some new bite. Instead, we get cheap pot shots at Britney Spears, which now, given her practical disappearance from the pop culture landscape, seems tired and petty. At least Chucky didn’t end up the same way.

  5) Child’s Play 3 (1991)

First of all, Justin Whalin does not look like an older version of Alex Vincent. This must be said right away. While, Vincent had a quiet innocence, which, admittedly, was helped by his young age, Whalin looks like one of those early 90s surfer dudes who’s well-tanned, well-coiffed, and too dim to be convincing as a kid that’s seen too many horrors to count. Even Chucky’s bored with Andy in this one.

If the script and story suffer, it’s because Don Mancini was put to work writing part 3 almost immediate after part 2. The studio, evidently feeling that they struck horror gold with the second outing, wanted to strike while the iron was hot. Picking up several years after part 2, Andy’s status as a problem child sends him to a military academy where he encounters the usual suspects: sociopathic upper classmen, his cowardly roommate, the saucy hot chick, and Tyler, a kind-hearted boy who Chucky plans on body-napping. Or, as the doll himself puts it, “Chucky’s gonna be a bro!”

If that casual racism isn’t a turn-off, then you will likely make it to the end of the movie which takes place at, of all places, a carnival funhouse, one of the most over-used horror movie settings for a climactic final battle against the killer. On top of that, Andrew Robinson is here after bouts with both Pumpkinseed and Pinhead. He plays the maniacal barber that walks though the cafeteria measuring the boys’ cuts to make sure they’re regulation. Don’t worry, he’s only slightly pervy.

There are occasional moments of inspiration, particularly Chucky’s first kill of the movie, which is the teasing tortuous murder of the CEO of Play Pal Toys. Otherwise though, this Child’s Play felt, well, played out. Something pretty drastic would have to be done if the series was to progress further, which, obviously it did.

  4) Child’s Play (1988)

Submitted for your approval: a killer on the run from the cops who hides in a toy store. Shot twice and on the verge of death, he uses voodoo and a powerful amulet to transfer his soul into the only, remotely human thing available: a Good Guy doll. Charles Lee Ray passes from infamy into legend when he awakens as Chucky, a living doll that becomes a pox on the life of 6-year-old Andy Barclay after a birthday the kid will never forget.

Now “killer doll” is a pretty serviceable concept, even if the effects work of the time seems to generally let down the film, but what really drags on the original Child’s Play is the police investigation. The humourless cop played by Chris Sarandon does exactly what he needs to do, dig into the exposition and get to the bottom of Ray’s dalliances with the mystic arts. This isn’t Criminal Minds though, and we don’t need to get into the mechanics of how Chucky does what he does. It’s also fairly certain that Mancini’s research into voodoo practices, if any was done, was specious at best.

And the movie is far too straight given the concept. Is it a police drama? Is it a slasher movie? Is it a Twilight Zone episode? Even Chucky holds back having apparently not yet achieved at this point his masters in punning, although he does tell Andy at one point that, “This is the end, friend,” a spin on the Good Guy catchphrase. This original Child’s Play shows some signs of inventiveness, but it’s really not sure what tone it wants to take. Many times it feels like the movie is stopping to ask the audience: “Are you guys sure you’re buying this?”

It’s a solid beginning though, and it laid out a lot of ideas that the sequels were able to follow-up on. It also taught us a valuable lesson: no matter how desperate you are, it’s never okay to buy a doll off a bum in the alley behind your work.

  3) Bride of Chucky (1998)

As proof of just how deeply Scream changed the horror game, look at Bride of Chucky. It took a solid, serviceable horror film series about a scary doll, and turned it into a self-referential Bonnie and Clyde story that was goofy as well as gory. The change seemed to suit the Chucky series, so did the evil doll’s new Frankenstein-like stitches, and Bride became the most successful of the Child’s Play films.

Jennifer Tilly, then best known for her role in the highly-acclaimed Bound and an Academy Award nomination in the same year for Bullets Over Broadway, plays Chucky’s long-lost girlfriend Tiffany. Through a series of hilarious and disturbing misunderstandings, she ends up in a doll too, which leads to an inexplicable road trip cross-country featuring a pre-Grey’s Anatomy Katherine Heigl and John Ritter as her none-too-subtly inappropriate uncle. As of this film, Andy Barclay gets to safely go about his life. For now…

It’s a tribute to Don Mancini’s creation that he’s able to contort it, make it bend over backwards, and turned it from something that took itself seriously with humour into a wisecracking romp with serious moments that gross you out. Hong Kong director Ronny Yu, with his second English-language film, manages to find the right balance of tone. If you can smoothly segue from the grisly death of a couple with mirror shards impaling them on a water bed to gratuitous doll sex then you clearly know what you’re doing with this material.

Of course, balance is tricky. And that’s probably why the sequel that followed went a little too overboard with the self-referential commentary.

  2) Curse of Chucky (2013)

After a nine-year break, Chucky returned to the screen, and returned to his roots. Shirking the combination of yucks and over-the-top violence that drove the previous two entries, writer/director Don Mancini went back to straight horror: low budget with more emphasis on atmosphere and character. Missing, for the most part, is the over-the-top, joke-a-minute Chucky and his growing possessed doll family who are painfully aware they live in a horror movie world.

However, Curse did add another metatextual element, the casting of Fiona Dourif as Nica, the new final girl who just so happens to be the real-life daughter of Chucky portrayer Brad Dourif. In Curse, we learn the back story of serial killer Charles Lee Ray, and how he came to be on the run from the police at the beginning of the first Child’s Play. He kidnapped Nica’s pregnant mother after killing her father in an effort to create his own happy family. When the police arrived, Charles stabbed Nica in utero and created the disability that’s hobbled her since her birth. Incidentally, did Mancini write this script as family therapy?

In the franchise’s first direct-to-video effort, Mancini uses his limit monetary means to his advantage, setting the stage in an old home on a dark and stormy night for a classic gothic flavour while withholding Chucky’s full-blown living doll presence for nearly half the movie. POV shots, quick glimpses, and the sounds of small doll shoes scuttling across the floor are all that’s there to remind you that the doll is deadly, that is until Chucky finally reveals himself to Nica’s doubting sister, Barb (Danielle Bisutti).

And lest you think he completely re-conned the series, Mancini loads the film with a lot of Easter eggs and surprises, as well as a couple of welcome returns.

  1) Child’s Play 2 (1990)

Like a TV series that finds its centre after a difficult pilot, Child’s Play 2 managed to expand on the original and more fully capture the spirit that the first film was going for. Alex Vincent returned as Andy Barclay, and Brad Dourif was again the man behind Chucky, but everything else here was new and improved as both the stakes and the action got bigger. In other words, Chucky found his voice.

Even though it was the 90s at this point, the 80s theme of cold, heartless capitalism hovers in the background of this movie. The evil Play Pal toy company wants the bad publicity to go away, so they rebuild the possessed Good Guy doll to test it for defects. They find none, so all’s well, right? Andy, meanwhile, is in care because his mom won’t shut up about the evil doll that tried to kill her and her son; the police got the memo though, and to them there’s no such thing as an evil doll. But just when Andy thinks he’s safe, said evil doll finds him again, and no one will believe him that this “Good Guy” has the soul of a depraved killer named Chucky within it.

Smartly, series writer Don Mancini refocuses the story to reflect your typical cat-and-mouse game of most slasher films, and casts off the voodoo hokum and police drama. Suspense is used more smartly since we don’t have to build up to the reveal of Chucky as a killer doll, and the story teases us with anticipation waiting for Chucky to spring to life and kill again. The film’s climax, which takes place in the Play Pal toy factory where the Good Guys are made, is almost Hitchcockian with an assembly line ready to kill in a number of horrible ways, and maze after maze of boxed Good Guy dolls for Andy and his foster sister Kyle (Christine Elise) to run through.

On top of that, Dourif really finds himself as Chucky. It’s as if between parts 1 and 2 the actor said, “Hey, I’m a killer doll! Let’s have fun with this!!,” and he does. Child’s Play 2 is where Chucky takes its place next to other iconic horror villains, and it’s rightfully earned by the time the credits roll.

  But, where does the new film fit in all of this? That’s up to you! Read our review on Cult of Chucky and check it out now; the film is currently available to stream on Netflix.

[mysteryfanfictheatre3000]

Back to the Frollo, Chapter 12

Warning: Frollo cries again.

Chapter Twelve

Several days passed before I ventured outside. I barricaded myself in the house, cried all the time, and could not stop thinking about Claude Frollo. I never quite got over that kiss -- that spontaneous, wildly passionate, oh-so wonderful kiss.

She’s sure freaked out by five minutes of a yelling and a short kiss. She seems very emotionally unstable.

Oh Claude! I didn't want things to get this crazy; I really loved you! But I didn't care if I ever laid eyes on Claude again.

Is she talking to modern-day Frollo? Is he reading this story? What?

I made arrangements with a young man who was organizing a trip to the East, a trade expedition in search of spices and fine fabrics. I was a little nervous about going to medieval Persia and Arabia, but I didn't care.

Dude. You’re going to die. You are going to get attacked by robbers at the very least, and probably pick up smallpox, plague, cholera or some other ancient disease along the way. The possibilities of the various horrors that will kill you are endless!

Besides, Fern was still in Texas and wouldn't be back for several weeks; I decided not to wait. I had to get out of Paris as soon as possible.

Just abandon everything about your previous life like that. Not an issue.

I knew good-byes were in order, and I didn't have the heart to tell the children I was leaving. I gathered them in the square those last few days and played games with them as if nothing was wrong. Looking into those little faces made me re-think my decision, but no, I wouldn't give Claude Frollo the satisfaction of thinking he'd "won". Saying good-bye to a certain bellringer, however, would be even more difficult.

No, don’t drag poor Quasimodo into this mess even more! He’s innocent, leave him alone!

******

"Oh Nisha, do you have to leave?", Quasi asked as we packed the now-finished Civil War battle set. "I'm sorry, Quasi, but let's just say your master and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye", I said, admiring the amazing accuracy of Quasi's work, even though the events depicted would not happen for almost 400 years. Although I never told him of my latest stormy encounter with Frollo, Quasimodo became strangely defensive of his guardian.

It’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

"Look, just because he said some things that rubbed you the wrong way....", he said with a sigh, "Frollo's not the easiest man to get along with, but I'm grateful to him...I mean...Don't leave because he got on your nerves." Quasi then gave me a big hug. "You've been a wonderful friend, brightening up my days. You don't know what it's like up here, all alone with no one to talk to."

Did Phoebus and Esmeralda just disappear? Danisha seems to indicate this took place after the movie and Frollo somehow survived, so either Esmeralda died like in the musical and Phoebus just ran off someplace and abandoned Quasi, or they both just left Paris and never came back. I guess it makes sense for them to run away if Frollo was in charge, but if so, why not take Quasimodo with them?

He then grinned broadly, saying, "Thanks for reading to me and telling me those wonderful stories. You know, I sometimes recite those poems to my gargoyle friends." He nodded to the three funny-looking stone figures nearby.

Yes, let’s add in the most irritating characters by far just to stretch out this awful story a little bit longer.

I mulled over his words, then told him, "Quasi, how can I leave such a good friend. I promised I'd stay the rest of the summer, and...well...I not the type to break promises." We hugged each other again, and, just before Quasi headed downstairs, he said, "Just say you'll stay." When I told him I'd stay for the rest of the summer, Quasimodo was elated. "Great! I KNEW you wouldn't go! I've got chores to do downstairs. When I'm finished, could we read some more of those poems?"

So she changed her just mind like that? Really?

"Sure, Quas, take your time. I'm not going anywhere", I replied with a smile. He was right, I just couldn't leave; Claude and I will just have to keep our distances. After Quasi left, I settled down with a delightful little volume of James Whitcomb Riley's poetry. I got lost in the words; Riley's Hoosier homespun rhymes, written in that wonderful Indiana dialect, made me so oblivious to my surroundings that I almost didn't feel the tap on my shoulder. Quasi finished his chores already? I turned around and looked dead into the eyes of Claude Frollo.

And so we get more terrible, sappy “romance” between two people I hate. Oh joy.

I immediately got up and headed for the steps, but he caught me by the arm, and tenderly said, "Please, Nisha. Don't leave, my dear. There is so much we need to say to each other." I was getting ready to slap him, but his manner was so unusually gentle this time, I sat down again and listened. Claude sat across from me, took my hands into his, and began what sounded like an apology. "I did not come here in search of a fight, but forgiveness. What happened those few days ago..." His voice began trembling with emotion. "I shouldn't have let things get so completely..."

Since when has he been gentle, understanding and respectful of women? He’s a horrible human being, and he doesn’t care about Danisha’s feelings or forgiveness! If any of this was even half true he’d be off commanding soldiers to murder some innocents because he can’t deal with a crush!

I finished his sentence, "So completely out of hand, Claude?...No, Claude. I was the guilty party. I said terrible things to you, not to mention causing all that mess in the first place...." The words came tumbling out of my mouth. Claude sweetly kissed my hands, his voice still quavering. "Don't put all the blame on yourself, darling." He then got up and knelt in front of me. What was to come out of Claude Frollo's mouth would change my life forever. Claude's graceful hand gently caressed my face as he gazed into my eyes. "My dear Danisha," he began, his voice breaking with emotion, "you know I've grown quite fond of you..."

So their relationship began with sexual assault, weird pet names and drama? i’m not sure why I expected anything different.

He stopped himself, rose to his feet and paced the room. His turned and covered his face as if he didn't want me to see the depth of his emotion. Then Claude wheeled around to face me. His eyes were hot with passion, tears streamed down his finely chisled cheekbones.

Why is he such a crybaby? He breaks down in tears over things that normal people don’t even bat an eyelash at. I think he’s crying in half his screentime here!

"Why don't I just come out and say it!", Claude bellowed in a voice choked with anguish, "For the past few days I have thought of nothing but you!" I felt as if shot a hundred times. I sat riveted to my chair, unable to move or speak. He continued, "Night and day, I longed to feel your silky honeyed skin, gaze into those enchanting brown eyes. Oh, to hear your voice, that gloriously musical voice, saying you love me." Claude then knelt before me again, caressed my hands, face, and hair, then finally confessed, "I love you, dear sweet Nisha, I love you." My eyes were still locked into his; I had to say something.

This is when you should call the police and/or get the hall out of here, because he’s quite obviously some sort of stalker weirdo.

"Claude...did you say...what I think you said...You love me?" "Darling, what more is there to say?", Claude gently replied, as he drew closer to me and tenderly, yet passionately, kissed my mouth. My arms enfolded him and I, without hesitation, responded to him with equal passion. It was a long, slow kiss that rivaled the sultriest and steamiest of Indiana summers; it was that intense. Afterwards, Claude said to me, "There, my love. Now...how can you leave Paris? I was so looking forward to spending the remainder of summer with you." "Ooh Claude", I cooed back, "I'm so glad I decided not to..." I suddenly stopped myself.

The fact that she even considered abandoning her entire life because she was mad at one dude should be enough to give her pause.

Hold on! Time out! HOW did he know I was leaving town? I told no one except Quasi, and even then I didn't reveal any details. Claude looked at me half-amusedly. "Quasimodo is not the..what is that phrase your friend uses...'tell-all'?...sort, my dearest. But you really should be more careful with whom you make travel arrangements." Claude Frollo, his mood now changed to full-tilt hilarity, continued laughingly, "My dear! The young "organizer" of that little expedition is one of my best spies!"

Fern? Was this entire thing a ruse to get Danisha and Frollo together? I don’t understand anything that’s going on here!

He was now on his back, rolling and convulsing with uproarious laughter. I was livid! The man who just poured out his heart and soul to me, with whom I shared the sweetest and hottest of kisses, was getting a kick out my naivete. "How'd I know that dude was a spy?", I spoke sistah-style. "It's not funny, Claude."

Oh, are they referring to the guy Nisha made arrangements to go to Asia with? This author really has to be more clear as to what she’s talking about. And she has to stop talking in “sistah-style.” It isn’t sexy, funny, cute or likable, just weird and vaguely racist sounding.

"Oh, yes it is, dear heart. And it's not just with WHOM you are travelling but to WHERE!" He sported a wide, evil grin as he continued his digs at me. "Honestly, darling, for the life of me...I can just visualize you in the wilds of Arabia." Claude words were punctuated with his deep, throaty laughter as he continued, "You, ending up in some sultan's harem, and the poor man putting up with your ever-changing moods and saucy tongue!" Still grinning, he sat in the chair across from me and looked at me in earnest.

This reminds me of Darth Vader from Splinter of the Mind’s Eye, calling Leia a “steel kitten,” in that it tried to sound villainous but just comes across as OOC and weird.

"I'm sorry, darling, but I needed the laugh after...If I offended you...I'm sorry, but...it's all so funny." He was still amused, and I was still smarting from the levity enjoyed at my expense. Out of some sense of false, wounded pride, I immediately got up and headed for the steps.

They are so incredibly on and off again, and I feel like they go from making out to hating each other in seconds. It’s just oddly paced and confusing.

Claude, his amusement now turned to serious concern, caught me from behind. "Don't tell me you're still leaving, after all that was confessed here tonight." I pulled away from him, gave him the look that I reserved only for men who did me wrong, and told him, "It appears YOU did all the talking, confessing your 'love'. And I really wanted to believe you." Claude looked at me in disbelief, but I kept on, "Then you have a laugh at my expense, poke fun of my...What did you mean my 'changing moods and saucy tongue'? Never mind, I'm out of here."

But… you did change your mood every five minutes, and you do sound saucy, intentionally nonetheless!

As I turned to descend the steps, Claude came after me, pleading, "Please, Danisha, don't leave me. I love you!" "What do you want from me, Claude?", I asked. Claude Frollo gave me that same little-boy look I beheld after our first encounter. "Just tell me you love me, and that you will stay." He reached out for me, but I stepped back.

“Or I’ll murder you with fire.”

"Claude, there're only two things that'll keep me here", I began, "and that's Quasi and the kids, but I think they can get along without me." "And what about ME?", Claude emotionally asked. I sneered back, "What about you? You say you love me, but what'll happen down the road? You'll just turn around and treat me like yesterday's garbage." Claude's eyes were bright with emotion.

That’s actually very true. They could never have a healthy relationship because he’s him and she’s her and they’re both too awful for that.

"I'd never do that, my dear. I'd never mistreat my sweet precious..."

Why is he suddenly Gollum? “My precious….”

He had his arms around me, and began kissing me again. Oooh, how I loved the way his lips caressed my face and neck. Mmmm...this feels so wonderful! I was really enjoying this, so much I wanted to melt with him, be his woman forever and ever... But something inside me snapped. I withdrew from his embrace, faced him with hellfire and fury. "No! I don't want this! I'm sorry, Claude, but I got to get out of here."

She’s in love with him, and then hates him, and then she loves him again- these constant heel-face turns are just weird and confusing to read. Stop doing that.

Claude again pleaded with me, "Why can't I make you understand? Don"t you want to be with me, to love me?" I edged my way to the steps. "Save your sob story for someone else, baby. I'm outta here! And for what it's worth, I may not end up in Arabia, but I'd rather slog through the Louisana swamps, take my chances with the 'gators and snakes, than be stuck in Paris with the likes of you!" And with that, I stormed down the steps.

She changed her mind again?!

He didn't even try to follow me. Good! I don't need him, don't want him, don't love... I was halfway down the steps and Claude still made no attempts to pursue me. I stopped, sat down on the step, and couldn't believe what I just did. I threw it away! A once-in-a-lifetime chance, a golden opportunity at happiness was handed to me, and I blew it!

And now she regrets it. Reading this chick’s internal monologue is so weird. I thinks he has some personality issues at the very least from what I’ve read thus far.

All at once, Claude's words of love finally seeped through thick layers of my stubborn pride. I actually loved him! I wanted him, needed him... Maybe it's not too late!

Because he’d want you back after that? He probably wants to burn you to death! Why are you manipulating and messing with the one person Fern specifically told you not to mess with?

Tears rolled down my face as I raced back up the steps. It's now or never, girlfriend, if he changes his mind, you'll know who to blame. I stopped in the doorway and saw Claude Frollo, the esteemed Minister of Justice, a man of power and control, huddled on the floor, sobbing softly. I tip-toed up to him and lightly stroked his now-disheveled gray hair. "Claude", I said sobbingly, "I'm...I'm sorry." Claude raised his eyes to me, and stretched out his hand.

And now they’re both crying again. I should start a counter for every time someone starts sobbing unnecessarily because of “feels.”

Without hesitation, I fell to my knees and embraced him. I felt his arms around me and heard him say to me over and over, "It's all right, my love. I understand, my sweet Nisha. You are forgiven, darling."

Darling, honey, love… these nicknames are forever ruined for me.

We kissed again and again, sweet, passionate kisses that would be exchanged countless times to come. "I love you, Claude Frollo, I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you", I tearfully confessed. There! I finally told Claude I loved him, something I should have done days before, but did not have the courage. We kissed again and held each other a long time.

Is this happening in the middle of Notre Dame? are they just crying and making out on the floor of the church in front of other people? I think that would raise some alarm in the parishioners.

At last, Claude stood up, and helped me to my feet. He neatened his hair and donned the famous triangular hat. He then embraced me again and tenderly kissed my a41 face as if to erase my tears. "Come along, my love, I'll take you home."

Her a41 face? What does that even mean?

****** Claude and I walked arm-in-arm down the long corridor of Notre Dame. Our eyes were locked on each other; we almost didn't notice Quasimodo, who was heading for the belltower steps. "Master...Mlle. Nisha...I thought...What's going on here?", he asked confusedly.

“Oh, we’re just making out and changing our opinions of each other every six seconds. Just because, y’know?”

Claude Frollo turned to his young charge. "I am seeing this young lady home, Quasimodo. I will visit you tomorrow. Good night, dear boy." "Good night, Quasi", I echoed. "Good night", replied Quasimodo as he scratched his head in puzzlement.

I feel you, Quasi. I’m equally as confused by this mess of a story.

Outside, Claude boosted me up into the saddle. I never rode such a fine horse! Claude settled himself behind me, and, with the reins in his right hand and his left arm around me, guided Snowball towards the little house Fern and I shared.

I thought Fern had that chateau she didn’t let you in because she was “doing business,” but then again, nothing else in this godforsaken thing does either.

I softly sang that old Etta James song, "At Last, my love has come along..." "What are you singing, sweet darling?", Claude chuckled in my ear. "Oh, just a love song that was popular when I was a child." I then grinned and said playfully, "I'se Min'ster Frollo's woman now."

STOP USING THAT VOICE. IT’S WEIRD, JUST WEIRD.

Claude chuckled again, his lips grazing the back of my neck, "You certainly are, my dear. You are finally mine, and I am yours." He softly sang a sweet French love song in as we neared my Parisian home. Claude saw me to my door. He kissed me good-night,saying, "Pleasant dreams, my love". I was a little disappointed. "Oh Claude, I'd thought you'd come inside for a few moments."

NO. DO NOT.

Claude just laughed and said, "Now, my dear, we both know we had a very emotional evening..." He flashed a broad smile. Oh, he has the sexiest smile! "All right, honey", I said, "I'll get some rest. Will I see you tomorow?" Claude kissed me again and playfully replied, "Oh, my dear Danisha, you'll see me in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, and the next day, and the next..." I joined in Claude's hearty laughter and kissed him again. "This is definitely turning into a summer to remember", I said.

Oh my god, I want to vomit. The cheesiness, the awfulness, I just can’t.

We finally said good-night and I watched him ride away. I was right; Claude was right. We finally found each other. But the summer was not over and the fireworks were just beginning.

Please let it end, please let it end-